Uncertaintyville (Cancerventures)
“My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.”
Psalm 31:15
(Cancerventures Book Excerpt):
…I frequently go to the place of grace while residing in Cancer-land, Uncertaintyville, and possibly even, Recurrence City. I ask for forgiveness. I try to connect to my Creator’s love, mercy, and Omnipotence. And I desire meaning in this thing, called my life, despite my imperfect, cluttered psyche.
Life is, after all, about meaning.
Philippians 2:12…
“…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.”
Each of us encounters something beyond the concrete and finite. It’s cliché mystery of human existence stuff. Each human wrestling match strives to discover “why?” Getting in a tussle with one’s Creator is not exactly comforting. Yet, that’s the essence of faith. Struggling for meaning- and even salvation- when you don’t have visible evidence.
We all experience Uncertaintyville and do our own personal wrestling, with or without cancer…
Spiritual Hygiene
“Read The Bible.”
“Get into His Word.”
“Participate in your Daily Devotions.”
Was that you?
Come on now, be honest.
How do you feel about “Scripture?”
How do you feel about “reading The Bible?”
Does it make you do an eye roll and groan?
Even if you are a Believer?
This is not about guilt; this is not about shame.
This is about real life, and how faith, through those written words, comes into play WITH that real life.
Many of us have heard, “the washing of The Word.”
How much of an eye roll does that produce for you?
Washing. There’s something to it. Powerful. Practical. Relevant.
Let’s discuss.
First…
Take a Shower.
“Cleanse my sin with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”
Isaiah 51:7
Cleanse Me…The First Step?
“Cleanse my sin with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”
Isaiah 51:7
We have often heard the statement, “Admitting there is a problem/that we need help is the first step.”
What is often the first thing many of us do when we wake up?
We take a shower.
Why?
Because we know we need to be cleaned up.
“Cleanse my sin with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”
Isaiah 51:7
Hygiene.
Being refreshed. Renewed.
And showers, typically, make us feel BOTH.
And ALL of us need that spiritual hygiene enforced. It doesn’t matter if we are “just a little grimy,” or if we are full-on filthy.
We all need cleansing. And we all need to admit that we need that cleansing.
So, reading Scripture is that cleansing reset…
“So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water in The Word,”
Ephesians 5:26
His Word does Not come back void (Isaiah 55:11).
We start our days with taking a shower.
We need to start our lives, right where we are, by admitting that we need cleansing.
By applying Ephesians 5:26 to our lives.
But spiritual hygiene is still not complete.
Wash Your Hands.
This should be a no-brainer, “in real life,” right?
It’s something we are taught as children, certainly, by the time we’re in Kindergarten, right?
And, yeah, Scripture talks about clean hands…
“Elohim has rewarded me according to my righteousness;
He has repaid me according to the cleanness of my hands.
For I have kept the ways of YHWH
and have not wickedly departed from my Yah.
For all His ordinances are before me;
I have not disregarded His statutes.
And I have been blameless before Him
and kept myself from iniquity.
So YHWH has repaid me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in His sight.”
Psalm 18:20-24
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
This seems impossible.
“Cleanness of my hands?”
Impossible?
Or… doable?
The simple hygiene act of washing our hands serves as a reminder to the larger spiritual hygiene we need to practice daily. Washing our hands is doable. It is maintenance. It does not require that we get into a scalding hot shower and scrub ourselves raw with soap.
Nope.
Wash your hands.
Sing “The Happy Birthday Song,” to ensure you’ve done a thorough job.
It takes a minute? A few minutes, at the most?
And we then get on with our day.
We keep it moving.
It’s a cleanliness check-in.
Likewise, this can be accomplished by scripture.
Check in briefly WITH it.
How?
Well, in example, there are plenty of passages that are not long; there are short, little, handwashing verses that can help, then and there, like…
Psalm 3…
1”O YHWH, how my foes have increased!
How many rise up against me!
2Many say of me,
‘YHWH will not deliver him.’
Selah.
3But You, O YHWH, are a shield around me,
my glory, and the One who lifts my head.
4To YHWH I cry aloud,
and He answers me from His holy mountain.
Selah.
5I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, for YHWH sustains me.
6I will not fear the myriads
set against me on every side.
7Arise, O YHWH!
Save me, O my YHWH!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.
8Salvation belongs to YHWH;
may Your blessing be on Your people.”
Psalm 67…
1 “May YHWH be gracious to us and bless us,
and cause His face to shine upon us,
Selah.
2that Your ways may be known on earth,
Your salvation among all nations.
3Let the peoples praise You, O YHWH;
let all the peoples praise You.
4Let the nations be glad and sing for joy,
for You judge the peoples justly
and lead the nations of the earth.
Selah.
5Let the peoples praise You, O YHWH;
let all the peoples praise You.
6The earth has yielded its harvest;
YHWH, our YHWH, blesses us.
7YHWH blesses us,
that all the ends of the earth shall fear Him.”
And hey, if you are fully convinced you have no time, whatsoever?
“Yehoshua (YHWH saves) wept.”
John 11:35
(This is the shortest Bible verse, so, there really is no excuse for having no time to read Scripture).
Again, Isaiah 55:11…
“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”
Spiritual handwashing is the quick, check-in maintenance. Practiced, not just daily, but several times a day.
It’s doable, because “getting into The Word” can ALSO apply to meditating ON it. Reflect ON the Scriptures you have read and heard.
Check in.
Wet Wipes?
“Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”
You and I have read those instructions on many shampoo bottles.
But this is not the only form of cleanliness repetition.
How about wet wipes?
Like handwashing, wet wipes are repetitious. It’s a repeated act of hygiene.
It’s another check-in.
It doesn’t require a full shower.
Just maintain and clean, right where we are.
If we have sticky hands from a PB and J Sandwich…wet wipes.
If we have spiritual stickiness from our latest sin- and we all have a latest sin…the wet wipes of His washing Word.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
1 John 1:9
Do a “sin” search, or a “problem” search, and look for the scriptures that address those issues.
And spiritually dab and cleanse yourself…
It IS NOT as hard as it may sound.
The Internet. Search engine.
Ta-dah.
But it does take your willingness.
And, yeah, that is trickier, but not impossible.
The Washing of The Word.
“So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water in The Word,”
Ephesians 5:26
Get Real.
“So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water in The Word,”
Ephesians 5:26
Spiritual Hygiene is as real as taking a shower; it’s practical.
It’s relevant.
It’s necessary.
We are not just bodies, we are not just bodies and minds, even.
We are bodies, minds AND spirits.
And we need to BE good stewards OF those spirits that are entrusted to us.
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit in you, whom you have from God? And you are not your own, or you were bought with a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.”
1 Corinthians 6:20
“For each of you to know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor.”
1 Thessalonians 4:4
Being “hygienic” is a lifelong process.
His Word is crucial to getting and being clean.
Be clean, then, right now, wherever you are.
Let’s pray.
Abba,
I come to You, through Our Shepherd.
Your only begotten Son, Our Savior, יֵשׁוּעַ.
You know how unclean I am right now.
You know my sin.
You know how far away from You I am.
Forgive me.
I confess that I have not practiced good spiritual hygiene.
Too many things have contaminated my spirit, mind, and heart.
Forgive me.
Help me; cleanse me with Your Word.
Help me to apply it to my life regularly.
I need Your help.
Empower me to connect with You, to understand Your decrees.
Thank You for cleansing me with Your Love, with Your Word.
I receive it now, by faith.
Meet me where I am, then, right now.
Thank You.
Amen.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
What’s “Too Hard” For Him? (“‘Just’ Violated?”)
Are you feeling like it is impossible for you to feel valid, let alone, healed, from your trauma experiences?
What are the arguments against having The Most High heal you, even now?
“Behold, I am Elohim, The Most High of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?”
Jeremiah 32:27
(“‘Just’ Violated?” Book Excerpt):
What have you decided is “too hard” about your identity, your life, your pain, and your violations?
What was it that I was born into? What was it that I endured?
What WAS I “a product of?”
Rape? Abuse? Violence?
(“Just”) Violation?
Amazon.com: (“Just”) Violated?
My Knight In Schlepping Armor (Cancerventures)
Husbands and partners, as caregivers, are ALSO affected by a breast cancer diagnosis. “The new normal,” however that appears, is not easy to navigate.
Give EVERYONE in your household as much grace as possible.
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace suffices for you, for the power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, rather, I will boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of (Yahshua Ha-Mashiach) Christ may rest upon me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
(Cancerventures Book Excerpt):
…(Hubby) is schlepping much more difficult paintings than those college days.
It’s paintings of anxiety, disappointment, and tears, of surgery drains, bandages, and scars, of medical tests, of waiting, of possible recurrence, of errands, of buying me cute things because I’d like them, of telling me I’m beautiful when I don’t quite fit the standard criteria anymore, of reassuring me. It’s paintings of not showing he’s scared or overworked or overtired or having health issues himself, all because he must take care of his wife who has cancer…
Blessed in The Name of YHWH (“The Name: Volume 2”)…
“Blessed is the one coming in the name of YHWH; we bless you from the house of YHWH.”
Psalm 118:26
(“The Name: Volume 2” Book Excerpt):
We insulate our homes with the notorious pink Fiberglass insulation. It helps to control the temperature of whatever building we inhabit.
Insulation.
Therefore, spiritually, it is helpful to view His Name as a Holy and Effective form of insulation, keeping us “in perfect peace, because our minds are set upon Him” (Isaiah 26:3).
Like that of a building’s insulation, and, even more personally, like that of a warm winter coat, we are blessed, held, and protected IN His Name.
He- and His Name- are Shelter, Covering, Protection.
Blessing comes, not just from a sheltering space.
Blessing comes as we, are IN Him, are IN His Name.
There is so much TO His Name.
What else is there TO it?
What IS His Name?
Where Does it lead us?
His Name continues.
Amazon.com: The Name Devotional - Volume 2
“Wish List”
It’s mid-October.
And I have just seen, within the past few days, Christmas ads.
“The Christmas Creep?”
I remember, as a child, the thrill of receiving Christmas “Wish Books,” from stores like Sears, JCPenney’s, and Montgomery Wards.
This catalog usually showed up in stores by late summer, available for pickup. And they were the size of telephone books, as far as heft, weight, and thickness went.
Heavy Lifting, yep.
The more modern-day equivalent is that of the “Amazon Wish List.”
Do you have one?
I do.
And, yeah, there are pages of stuff on it: clothes, shoes, beauty products, books, just to give some examples.
Wishes. Wishes.
Some definitions of the word?
“to have a desire for (something, such as something unattainable); to give expression to as a wish; to desire (a person or thing) to be as specified”
Ever heard the expression?
“Have things, but don’t let the things HAVE YOU.”
Scripture has a lot to say about things… and the heart.
Because BOTH involve seeking, in one way or another.
Seek First…
“But seek first the kingdom of YHWH and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Matthew 6:33
We are told “to keep the main thing the main thing.”
Seek First.
And the focus of that search is not supposed to be any person, place or thing, in front OF The Most High.
I know. Easier said than lived.
I say this, because, come on, I know what my Amazon Wish List looks like.
Anyhoo, you and I are in the same dilemma boat.
And the boat asks a question…
Where is your heart?
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Matthew 6:21
I hate to break it to you, but you do have a heart.
And it’s… “complicated…”
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
Jeremiah 17:9
Eh…
This is not about shaming anyone; we all struggle with this.
We all need help with this.
“Search me, O Elohim, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalms 139:23-24
And that requires a heart check.
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
Proverbs 4:23
And that brings us back to “The Wish List.”
Storing Up Treasures?
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.”
Matthew 6:19-20
“The Christmas Creep,” therefore, makes this Scripture apropos.
Before our “wish lists” become any longer, Christmas, or no Christmas, let’s stop and think about our heart focus.
How can we become closer to our Father, in the middle of that?
Our Loving Father IS inviting us to get closer to Him, now, wherever, and however, we are.
That’s HIS Wish! And it’s at THE TOP of His List!
Let’s pray.
Abba,
I come to You, through Our Shepherd.
Your only begotten Son, Our Savior, יֵשׁוּעַ.
You know, in exacting detail, what my “wish list” is.
You know what my heart is occupied and obsessed with.
And You know exactly where I have placed You on “my list.”
You know if You are not even on there, in the first place, let alone, “first.”
Forgive me.
Forgive my heart that I cannot seem to understand accurately.
Thank You that You do.
Help me to genuinely, authentically, not only get closer to You today, but to place You First in my life.
I need so much help in this area.
Take over my life, guide it, change it, direct it into the relationship You desire to have with me.
I cannot do this in my own strength; I need You.
Meet me right where I am.
Thank You.
I receive it, by faith, now.
Amen.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Not My BFF? (Cancerventures)
“Wisdom is supreme; so acquire wisdom. And whatever you may acquire, gain understanding.”
Proverbs 4:7
There are all kinds of personality types out there. And that includes the medical/cancer treatment team.
This brings up the “short-term-versus-long-term” question, especially if you and someone on your care team are not compatible.
Can you “stick it out?”
Or do you need to cut and run?
Your choices are valid.
If you feel that you are not being heard and understood, you have the right to make changes.
“For which of you, wanting to build a tower, does not first, having sat down, count the cost, whether he has the things for its completion.”
Luke 14:28
(Cancerventures Book Excerpt):
I felt that my surgeon was hindering me from selecting the choices I felt best about. All of this was while reiterating, it was my choice.
Well, Doc, I’m trying to make my choice, but you seem to be an obstacle here.
It was here I discovered my surgeon was my adversary.
And, once I received the good news about my second biopsy’s benign results, Dr. M.
naturally assumed I was ready to go full steam ahead with the lumpectomy.
Nope.
“I decided to pursue a bilateral mastectomy.”
“Oh. Can you tell me your reasons why you’ve come to this decision?”
“I am done with this rollercoaster testing: mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, excruciating waiting periods of anxiety to get test results. I wanted a clean sweep. I don’t want to go through this again.”
“I can understand your perspective.”
I scheduled another office appointment for August 31st to discuss this mastectomy surgery. Of course, I was filled with questions, reading up on all things Breast cancer. This was especially the case concerning my lymph nodes.
Ah yes, my lymph nodes. Where do I start?
Lymphedema freaked me out. In my Breast cancer information folder, there was material on its risks and the maintenance following surgery and node removal. I was not heartened by what I read.
Some women develop this condition, creating mobility issues, pain and swelling of the arm. When you mess with the Lymphatic system, and its drainage mechanism, this is what can happen. I asked Dr. M…
“How many lymph nodes were typically removed during surgery?”
“Oh, not many. Only six or seven.”
“Six or seven? That seems like a lot. Could you only take one or two?” (Here I am, negotiating).
“Well, it’s really not that many.”
(In my mind, silently, “Well, it’s really not your body.”) …
Drained (Cancerventures Book Excerpt)
“Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.”
Proverbs 4:7
Yank ‘Em Already!
…The next day, October 10th, finally, was my drain removal day. It could not come fast enough. They were becoming increasingly itchy.
So, can we please yank them?
(Hubby) and I arrived at the surgeon’s office. I hopped on a reclining exam table and Dr. M. removed the bandages, approving of how I had been healing, thus far.
“Okay, deep breath in, on the count of three…one, two, three!” My right- sided drain didn’t hurt at all; it pulled right out. I was relieved, especially as that drain site felt more irritated of late.
Moving on to my left side, the same drill: “Okay, deep breath in, on the count of three…one, two, three!”
Ye-e-e-owww!
That one smarted and resisted coming out before the complete yank. I saw Hubby wince and look away. Not a great sign there that things are hunky dory. Dr. M. nonchalantly explained, “Sometimes they catch.”
Sometimes they catch.
I was re-bandaged. I had another checkup later in the month.
I quickly looked in the mirror. That lumpy spot, just below the collarbone on my right side, was gone. I asked what had happened to it.
“Oh, that was the drain.”
Wow. It was shoved up that far, huh? Bizarre. It made me feel like I was incubating a tape worm…
Graciousness From His Name (The Name: Volume 2)…
“Turn to me and be gracious to me, according to justice to those loving Your Name.”
Psalm 119:132
(“The Name: Volume 2” Book Excerpt):
Injustice.
It’s one of the hindrances that keeps us from connecting WITH Our Loving Elohim.
We have been wronged and harmed.
Therefore, we can, so often, conclude that He does not love us, care about what happens TO us, or have a desire to vindicate us.
Perhaps, you have heard this scripture…
“…‘Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,’…”
Romans 12:19
He IS Our Avenger.
Adding TO that, a, perhaps, lesser-known scriptural passage…
“…‘I will feed My flock, and I will make them lie down,’…‘I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick; but I will destroy the fat and the strong, and feed them in judgment.’”
Ezekiel 34:15-16
How do you feel about that, within the scope of your own personal injustices?
He is personally aware and intervening on your behalf, even now.
Why?
Because He personally loves you and is deeply grieved and affected by what you endured.
It was not meaningless to Him.
He loves you “with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3).
And He IS fighting FOR you!
There is so much TO His Name.
What else is there TO it?
What IS His Name?
Where Does it lead us?
His Name continues.
Amazon.com: The Name Devotional - Volume 2
Is Evil More Powerful Than HE Is?
Is Evil More Powerful Than HE Is?
What do we believe when it comes to good versus evil?
Contrary to how things look, The Most High has defeated evil; His Son, Our Savior, paid the price for our sins. He fought the devil and won.
And a large weapon in His arsenal?
“It is written.”
Scripture does not come back void. It accomplishes what is was sent to accomplish (Isaiah 55:11).
And that INCLUDES evil, no matter how scary or hopeless it looks.
Temptation.
Beyond any drug, pleasure, or financial gain promise.
What is maybe a more significant temptation?
Believing that evil is more real, more powerful, than The Most High.
When I was a child, my mother had this humongous Children’s Bible, complete with color illustrations.
I mean, this thing was massive, probably weighing eight-to-ten pounds.
It looked even more intimidating as a five-year-old child.
BIG SCARY BOOK, ALL GOD.
However, for me, it was a bit more complicated than that.
One of my first childhood memories was leafing through this Bible, landing on a particular page, a particular Bible story.
Gather the Kiddies around, everybody.
This Bible story?
Oh, how about…
Matthew 4:1-11…
“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted[a] by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.’”
Jesus(Yahshua) answered, ‘It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’[b]”
5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 ‘If you are the Son of God,’ he said, ‘throw yourself down. For it is written:
‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[c]”
Jesus(Yahshua) answered him, ‘It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ‘All this I will give you,’ he said, ‘if you will bow down and worship me.’
10 Jesus(Yahshua) said to him, ‘Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’
11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.”
That’s probably a lot for a five-year-old to absorb.
Beyond these weightier issues, as that child, I could not get past one thing:
How scary “evil” looked.
Back to that Children’s Bible, chock full of color illustrations, including this one, right here…
It is a beautiful, artistic illustration; yes, it is.
The blue sky, the tan stones or small mountain, Yahshua is standing on top, with flowing robes, triumphantly, hands lifted, proclaiming, I’m sure,
“It is written,”
with all Majesty and Authority, clapping back at each temptation test.
That should be enough of a picture for anyone, especially the child target audience of this Children’s Bible, to focus on.
Emphasis, “Should…”
AND
There was my little self, looking at this picture book. And fixating my child eyes to something that was ALSO a part of that illustration…
The red devil.
Scary face. Horns. Hooves for feet.
In mid-flight, seemingly, flying away from Yahshua, while still looking back AT Him.
Clothed in what looks like a robe of red bat wings.
Menacing.
Up to no good.
Yep. Scripture lays all of that out there.
As a child, however, page turning that Children’s Bible, I didn’t understand that complexity yet.
But I understood scary pictures.
I knew about Yahshua, as that child.
And I knew what being scared was like as well.
I knew fear.
Abuse, yes, gave me many lessons on that. My dad’s scary demeanor, especially.
So, yes, that’s what I focused on.
Evil grabbed my attention more than Yahshua’s Presence?
Uh, there’s a lot of complicated anti-childlike faith layers there, huh?
Early groundwork laid for my child self, indoctrinating me to a distortion of evil, in HIS Ultimate Presence.
And it would be all- too easy, simplistic, and fairytale wrapped up, happily ever after, for me, as an adult, years later, to assert the concept of “that was then; this is now.”
ALL Better!
Nothing more to report.
I am ONLY believing Yahshua.
Evil holds no sway, no temptation, no fearful impact on me whatsoever.
Well...
Ideally, so, but really?
It’s more like this…
“Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief.”
Mark 9:24
Lookie here, Adult Version Me, still a bit freaked out by evil.
Still needing some emotional convincing?
Still not quite the Tower of Unshakeable Faith?
Still tempted to believe wrongly?
Yep, I’m here. I’m there. I’m a bit of a skiddish fearful, five-year-old everywhere!
Here’s a good spot to introduce another Scripture…
“This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:21-23
Yes, I know.
Spiritual maturity.
Yes, I know, confronting lies and temptations with “It is written.”
Yes, growing past that scared child.
Working on it.
In the meantime…
HELP!
I’m scared!
“Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief.”
Mark 9:24
And…
“This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:21-23
Illustrations.
They can depict anything and anyone.
Good and evil.
The Most High, His Love and Sovereignty.
Evil, with its attempt to convince us of lies regarding its power.
Maybe with red horns.
Battling.
We battle. Fear. Evil. Doubt. Obstacles.
We are all learning how to illustrate, in Spirit, and in Truth (John 4:24), indeed…
“IT IS WRITTEN.”
Keep drawing.
Keep illustrating, as He creates this Book, Faith More Real than Evil, that is you.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Form (Cancerventures)
“O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, In the secret place of the steep pathway, Let me see your form, Let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, And your form is lovely.”
Song of Solomon 2:14
There’s more to our incredible “form” than we realize.
Amazon.com: Cancerventures: Tales of a Diagnosed Woman eBook : Cruse, Sheryle: Kindle Store
The Cognitive Dissonance of Food Issues? (Thin Enough)
“A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:8
As someone who has dealt with all kinds of disordered eating (in example: Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Overeating), I have dealt with my fair share of cognitive dissonance:
“cognitive dissonance is described as a mental phenomenon in which people unknowingly or subconsciously hold fundamentally conflicting cognitions. Being confronted by situations that create this dissonance or highlight these inconsistencies motivates change in their cognitions or actions to reduce this dissonance, maybe by changing a belief, by explaining something away, or by taking actions that reduce perceived inconsistency.
Relevant items of cognition include people's actions, feelings, ideas, beliefs, values, and things in the environment. Cognitive dissonance exists without outward sign, but surfaces through psychological stress when psychological discomfort is created due to persons participating in an action that creates conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors, or when new information challenges existing beliefs.”
www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitivedissonance
Confused?
Basically, it’s holding at least two completely opposite ideas/experiences, trying to decide which one to believe, as they both appear to carry weight.
And speaking of weight, there is nothing like some cognitive dissonance to really employ some paralyzing torture.
Fear is at its root.
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”
1 John 4:18
This controversial image of the 1990’s waif supermodel, Kate Moss, exemplifies, to me, the definition of Cognitive Dissonance, as it concerns disordered eating and image issues.
This photo can, indeed, sum up so much of the torture.
(Supposedly, Kate Moss declared she did not have any food, weight, or eating issues; her body was just naturally thin like this).
Nevertheless, I was torn apart by the oppressive confusion and exacting pressures eating disorders are famous for.
…As I sat on the kitchen floor, the open refrigerator door provided the only light in the room. I didn’t want to draw attention to what I was doing. I hovered over that jar of strawberry jam, obsessing about how much I could before my stomach felt too full and “too fat.” I also was racing against time, trying to finish before my family woke up. But for a moment, all that mattered was strawberry jam.
“Whoa! Way too much! You just need enough to get through the day. Keep going and you’re going to get fat!” I told myself this repeatedly. And so I stopped and squelched my self-indulgence, while relocating my self-control. I put away the jam and shut the fridge door. Now what?
Damage assessment: Where would the jam show up on me? I panicked. I had to know. I had chosen to eat it, now I chose to face the consequences…
(Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
And, concerning my struggles with eating disorders, it didn’t happen overnight.
These disorders, filled with torturous contradictions, often get their start in childhood.
And the harmful messages we, as children, hear, inherit, and absorb about ourselves…
“In a study by Laliberte, Boland, and Leichner (1999), these three factors represented the hypothesized family climate for eating disorders: perceptions of the family’s concern for weight and shape, perceptions of the families concern for social appearances, and perceptions of the family’s emphasis on achievement. The combination of appearance and achievement variables identified in this research describes the perfect family—a family that places great emphasis on appearance, family reputation, family identity, and achievement.”
Suzie Csorna, Familial Relationships and Bulimia…
…I remember mom coaxing me into my first diet. All I ate for days straight was pineapple. Al-o-o-ha! It took me at least a good ten to fifteen years before I could enjoy the fruit again. But I trusted Mom. She knew best. After all, I’d seen her go on many diets before. I thought, “If I do this, then I’ll be okay. If I do this, then I’ll make things better.” A diet was the answer…
“40% of 9-year-old girls have dieted.”
Susan Ice, M.D., Medical Director, The Renfrew Center http://www.renfrew.org.
… My first diet ended almost when it started, beginning an endless dieting rollercoaster. Diet after diet would start with this angelic-choir Hallelujah moment, followed by this new revelation that “This is the diet. Diet ye in it.”
Oftentimes, Mom and I would treat dieting as a buddy project. Mom and I would always start on what day? Monday! Yes, Monday was always the day of the fresh start, the answer. Whenever Mom and I were inspired to go on a diet, we’d have one last Sunday blowout, eating all of the “bad food” to get it out of our systems… On Monday, there would be commitment and enthusiasm! We’d throw out all the junk food and swear it off forever. We’d institute an exercise program, complete with graph paper and gold stars. Together, we would begin arm circle exercises, bicycle kicks and sit-ups. Looking back, I find it fitting that these exercises were all movement and no destination… There would also be the measurement, weighing, and counting of ingredients and calories. Mom and I even had our own little notepads, recording our daily menus…
(Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
That set the template. And it only became more confusing from there.
“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”
Romans 7:15
It only became… more double minded from there?
“A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:8
For so many of us out there, food is not just food.
“Is not life more than food?”
Matthew 6:25
It is, seemingly, anything and everything else.
It is the “wrong” answer.
“Do not be carried along by various and strange teachings; for it is good for the heart to be confirmed by grace, not by foods, in which those walking were not profited.”
Hebrews 13:9
“Consuming,” it can be asserted, is a “strange teaching” when we give it more power than it deserves. We make it an idol. We, in our own unique ways, can see consuming as the answer.
And that’s what we do with food, right? We consume it.
Until we decide that we need to restrict and starve instead.
Diet culture is rife with that.
“Crash diets,” after all. They can quickly spiral into Anorexia, especially.
…I took control. “All right,” I said to myself, “if I can’t have the love, the worthiness, the me that I want, I’ll make it on my own.” Control became the name of the game now...
…The summer after my senior year of high school became my “put up or shut up” summer. As I prepared for college, I had a lot to prove... During my entire adolescence, I had been the fat girl, the “good friend,” the funny sidekick to the beautiful girls. But that would all change this summer. So I started another diet. At eighteen, I’d had years of failure at diet and exercise programs. But this time I was determined—determined to re-invent myself for my new life at college…
…Each comment, lost pound, and lost inch gave me more of an incentive. As I lost weight, I found myself always in need of a new goal… I eventually became convinced that death—at least the look of starvation—was beautiful. I was envying the “beauty,” the look of the malnourished, the tortured—even those in concentration camps…
…It still wasn’t good enough… I felt that the weight, the fat wasn’t coming off quick enough…
…I still kept going. I had to. Progress—just a few more pounds, then I’ll be done. So I’d continue every morning: six hours of boot camp torture on little or no food or water. I had gotten to the point now where I feared drinking water would make me fat…
(Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
Each one led astray…
“We all like sheep have gone astray, we have turned, each man to his own way...”
Isaiah 53:6
Let’s briefly return to the Kate Moss photo.
My plummet into Anorexia and its emaciation happened before the image of the waif supermodel.
Yet, it fully embodied my emotional, spiritual, and mental state.
At the height of my emaciation, while fully miserable, I still felt this complicated victory, echoing Moss’s t-shirt: “I Beat Obesity.”
What, indeed, could signal Obesity’s defeat better than a two-digit, emaciated frame?
I thought I was defiant and successful, proclaiming it, convincing everyone who dared to look at me.
The reality?
“A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:8
I was at war.
“But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin being in my members.”
Romans 7:23
…Suddenly I wanted food right now!... I was nervous. This went against everything I’d been working for. Do something on my forbidden list? Put weight on instead of taking it off? I would move closer to the fat, unacceptable me that I was trying so hard not to be. But my hunger went beyond a growling stomach...
…Nothing else mattered anymore. Everything else was fuzzy around me: right and wrong, other people, God, consequences. Just food mattered…
…Feasting on boxes of rice and crackers, granola bars, fistfuls of cereals, and ice cream bars felt wonderful. But I began to panic. Where would all of this show up on me? My straight hips? My twenty-inch waist? My hollow cheekbones? I wanted to protect the product of my hard work. Still, I couldn’t stop eating. Every time, I repeated my new vow, “I’ll do this just one time.” One time became always…
…I could never eat enough food, but it was always way too much for me to handle. I’d gorge, binge, pig out—whatever you want to call it. The results were still the same: overextended, rock-hard stomach, severe pain and discomfort, and always the sense of failure, shame, and disgust. My heart pounded with panic as I gulped. My hands shook as I stuffed my mouth with enormous quantities of food…
(Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
“…‘How long will you waver between two opinions?’...”
1 Kings 18:21
Wavering between two extreme, harmful opinions.
One kind of image pursued, warring, over another.
One kind of eating behavior warring against another.
Push-pull. Stop-start.
That’s part of the torture of cognitive dissonance; that’s part of the pain of disordered eating, no matter what strain it may be.
So, right here, are you expecting me to give a short, tidy solution?
Yes and no.
The Most High, certainly, in the “yes” group.
And in the more challenging “no” category?
Well, our flawed nature, for starters.
Sound hopeless?
Not entirely.
“I will be satisfied, as with the richest of foods…”
Psalm 63:5
That’s quite an ambitious promise, isn’t it?
Nevertheless, His Promises do not come back void (Isaiah 55:11).
Because we need to deal with food and our bodies daily, it is challenging, constantly bringing about decision after decision about our behaviors.
It’s not just “one and done.”
Therefore, with eyes and hearts focused on Him, bit by bit, we can engage in healthier ways…
“You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon you, for he trusts you.”
Psalm 56:3
And most of the time, it is a process.
Healing is not just instant. Healing is lifelong, continuous.
And His healing?
There is NOTHING double minded about it!
Let’s pray.
Abba,
I come to You, through Our Shepherd.
Your only begotten Son, Our Savior, יֵשׁוּעַ.
You know how torn and double minded I feel about food and my own body.
You know how I have struggled and idolized; You know how I have sinned.
You know how I have abused my own body.
Forgive me; Help me.
I am so conflicted in my behaviors; I’m at war with myself about what to do.
I have misused food to take it out on myself.
This breaks Your heart and is not Your Will for me.
I need You help.
I don’t know how to change for the better, for the healthier.
Help me.
Help me to be of one mind, in alignment with Your Love and Your Spirit concerning me.
Only You can truly help me, even right now.
Meet me where I am, then, right now.
Thank You.
Amen.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Mommy Issues (“Hello, Gentlemen…” and “Just Violated?”)
“…do not despise your mother when she is old.”
Proverbs 23:22
It’s not just girls and women who have “Mommy Issues.”
Far from it.
The Most High, Who is BOTH Mother and Father to us, wants to help each of us with these painful issues.
And they are there in our lives, affecting us.
Let Him help you right now!
“Remember those in prison as if you were bound with them, and those who are mistreated as if you were suffering with them.”
Hebrews 13:3
Amazon.com: "Hello Gentlemen...": 9798259016163: Cruse, Sheryle: Books
What was it that I was born into? What was it that I endured?
What WAS I “a product of?”
Rape? Abuse? Violence?
(“Just”) Violation?
Amazon.com: (“Just”) Violated?
Creative Resemblance
Hello, Gentlemen. It’s me, Sheryle.
I wanted to speak briefly with you, if I may.
I believe The Most High is calling all of you artists and writers.
You creatives.
Now, I can hear, from here, the groans, the eye rolls, and the sighs, arguing me down about this.
“I’m not an artist; I can’t write.”
Nope, Not buying it.
His Word does Not come back void (Isaiah 55:11).
And His resemblance, likewise, does not come back void EITHER!
“… ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...’.”
Genesis 1:26
You ARE the Spitting Image of your Father!
Beyond eyes, nose, hair color, and height.
You are creative!
It’s not contingent on education, diplomas, or money.
You are who He created you to be.
And He created you to create… art, poetry, music, theatre, dance… expression.
For His Glory, for HIS Resemblance’s sake.
He wants to brag about ya for a bit.
LET Him.
Don’t believe you cannot create a masterpiece.
He’s the Master of all Creation; He’ll ensure that the artistic endeavor Will be blessed, guided.
He’s helping you, even now.
Getting any ideas yet?
Wait. They’re coming.
Believe. He will help your unbelief (Mark 9:24).
Please don’t scoff at me.
No, I don’t know your life, and your pain.
But HE does.
And He’s calling you to look like Him, to shine, to be amazing.
Resemblance cannot be stopped. It has a way of coming through.
My little rallying cry of love, prayer, and faith to you.
Are you rallied yet?
I love you so much. I am praying for you each day.
Really.
No smoke blown, whatsoever!
Love,
Your Sister,
Sheryle
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
