Scattered?
Hello, Gentlemen.
It’s me, again. Sheryle.
I wanted to just say “Hiya/Bonjour/and Howdy” (that is, if a lady from Minnesota is “allowed” to say “Howdy.”
You Gentlemen have been on my heart.
And can I be real?
My heart has felt like it’s been stuck in second gear, when it’s not in messy smithereens.
I’m experiencing a weird transition right now.
I’m not quite here…or there.
Maybe I’m scattered?
I have been dealing, with, sometimes arguing with, and flipping out on a…smidge, concerning The Most High.
As a wanna-be “Daddy’s Girl,” with “Daddy issues” up the wazoo, this transition period has looked like a bad Three Stooges Movie.
Just a lot of flailing, slapping, and weird “nuck-nuck” sound effects going on.
But seriously, this has been a difficult time for me. (Prayers are appreciated; thank you).
Scattered.
“And when they had eaten their fill, He told his disciples, ‘Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost.’”
John 6:12
I’m feeling like some leftover fragments lately, and not the good kind of leftovers, either.
I’m feeling like that weird lime Jell-O mold, with the carrot shavings in it, kind of leftover.
Yeah, no one is raiding that thing in the fridge.
You may be shifting in your seats, wondering what my problem is.
Well, in short. Several.
That is my problem- problems.
Scattered fragments, neither here nor there.
It’s requiring some jackhammers, some black tar, and some bungee cords right now.
He is gathering. It is messy. But it’s working. He is working.
How scattered do you feel right now?
Do you feel like you are neither living your familiar life, or the newer, promising life “everyone” keeps on ya about?
What are your fragments? What are your leftovers?
You have more that He is using than you realize.
Again, you are marked…
“…‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.’”
Isaiah 43:1
You are not “too far gone.” You have not “ruined everything.” You are still someone of Purpose and Calling.
Yes, you.
Even if it looks like all you are doing, is “just doing time.”
No.
He is up to your calling, right now.
What has He placed in you, that only you can bring, even with jagged, fragmented, pieces?
You are being gathered right now.
Think about it. You are gathered here today. Whether you wanted to be or not.
He is gathering, fitting the broken shards back together again.
He has already decided about you. And He does not change His mind.
And, if it looks like absolutely nothing is coming online with His Decision, how about this?
“As it is written… in the presence of Him whom he believed—(The Most High) God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did.”
Romans 4:17
I am trotting this verse out several times a day on several unappetizing Jell-o Molds.
He knows how it all turns out. He knows EXACTLY how you will turn out!
Nothing is wasted, especially not you.
You are not, and have never been, a waste of anything: time, grace, love, money.
You are worth more to Him because He loves broken hearts and broken spirits the best.
As you feel the pain of your scattering, please remember. He is The Almighty of “The Long Game.”
And He always wins.
In your scattered brokenness, He is gathering you, fusing you into who you were always supposed to be.
He’s like “The Terminator.” He absolutely will not stop.
I think I, however, should probably stop, for now.
I warned you all that this is a scattering kinda message from me right now.
Hope I didn’t bore or irritate you.
Love you, Gentlemen! Proud of how you still survive the scattering stuff that took many others out.
You are still meant to be here. He needs you.
Love and Scatty Thoughts, until…next time?
Your Sister, In Him,
Sheryle
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
“Let” The National Eating Disorder Awareness Week
NEDA WEEK 2026
The National Eating Disorder Awareness Week
February 23rd- March 1st, 2026
www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
“Let Me See Your Form, For Your Form is Lovely.”
“Let me see your form,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your form is lovely.”
Song of Solomon 2:14
Day 1
“Let”
Allow
Give permission
The Shame Dumpster
“In You, O Elohim, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.”
Psalm 71:1
“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame…”
Isaiah 54:4
(Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
…Inevitably though, after a few hours or a few days, my cravings would begin. Of course there was no food anywhere inside my apartment. In the trash dumpster, though, sat many wonderful goodies! Yes, that’s it. I’d simply get the stuff I’d thrown away. I knew that I could find everything I’d thrown out.
Trips to the dumpster at 2:30 a.m. were not unusual. I’d usually make up some excuse to go out (I need to check the mail at 11:45 p.m.). I rummaged through the dumpster. Where was that ice cream I threw out? Where were those cookies? I’d dig through the bag, eating whatever “leftovers” I could on the spot. If I couldn’t find my stuff, I’d rummage through other people’s trash bags. You’d be amazed at what “perfectly good food” people would throw away. Of course, it may have been “perfectly good” at the time it was thrown out. Now, it was garbage. When you’re sick and hungry, though, semantics don’t mean much. I’m still amazed I never experienced food poisoning during these times. I lost count of all of the times I ate runny melted ice cream or frozen yogurt that had been in the dump for days. Luckily, the frigid Minnesota weather refrigerated much of trash I ate.
I was caught on more than one occasion. I’d try to play it off, pretending everything was normal as people passed by me scrounging in the dumpster. As I became more desperate, however, I began going to the dumpster frequently in broad daylight while other students were coming and going from class. I was in full-blown denial as I tried to convince myself I could “just act natural” and disguise the truth. I tried to act like I was rearranging the garbage in the dumpster to make room for the trash I’d just taken out. You know those pesky dumpsters. They’re always so full. Sometimes I tried the “oops, I dropped something in the garbage, and I must fish it out.” I had dropped something all right: my guard, my dignity. How could any excuse explain me chowing down on dinner a la Hefty bag? How would eating a mouthful of tossed-out cookies and crackers help me in my search for my “lost” apartment keys? Sick. But I wasn’t sick—oh, no! I was just getting some fresh air.
I felt so much shame. Shame was one thing when I was by myself. But when someone else’s eyes were watching me, knowing that what I was doing was sick, it was totally different. I was sinking—daily, being pulled further into hell. This was my life now: gluttony, sickness, desperation, fear, hurt, self-hatred, chaos, defeat, and now, discovery. Not exactly the “damage control” I was after. I couldn’t hide any longer from others what I was doing, who I was becoming. It was obvious, and people were noticing now…
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
HA
HA!
Ha-Mashiach (The Anointed One and His Anointing)
Ha-Shem (The Name)
“…What is His Name, and what is His Son’s Name, if you know?”
Proverbs 30:4
If You Know?: Cruse, Sheryle: 9798272042019: Amazon.com: Books
“I Love You, So I Keep Dreaming.”
I have been thinking a lot about my college theatre days recently.
Specifically, my role as Bananas O’ Shawnessy, from John Guare’s “The House of Blue Leaves.”
She was a crazy housewife, just released from a mental facility, who barked like a dog.
And she also sang, to the tune of “White Christmas…”
“I love you, so I keep dreaming.”
Can you hear it?
Yeah, I know.
Love and dreams. We tend to change our perspective on both as we bump along in life, age, and, supposedly, get wiser.
As I was inhabiting the character of Bananas, I was very young, very green. A college girl.
And love, dreams, and yeah, faith, were much simpler.
More childlike?
Or was I just childish?
A mixed bag, probably.
Nevertheless, who I was then had an untested, an untried concept of love, dreams, and faith.
Although I had been through a lot, including abuse and eating disorders, at that time, I had not had the wizened breath knocked out of me yet.
Not like one experiences as they just “keep living.”
Therefore, I approached my role as Bananas the same way I approached these larger ticket items.
I learned my lines, not investing much past that.
“I love you, so I keep dreaming.”
There’s a lot of faith in that character’s offkey lyric.
The first element?
Love:
“We love each other because he loved us first.”
1 John 4:19
Keep in mind, at this time in my college experiences, I was woefully unaware of Scripture.
Probably like a lot of us out there, I knew “the basics.”
John 3:16.
Genesis- Creation of The World.
The “concept of love” from an All-Encompassing Deity/Father to us all, while being so mysterious and hard to fathom.
There’s still a lot of that last point kicking around in my faith walk now.
Faith walk, in general, I suppose, is the argument that could be made in an ongoing way.
But, as I was a theatre major, I was not exactly poking under the hood all that much on this stuff.
Again, like many of us out there, I was coasting, I was relying on things like my denominational background, my praying mother, my sporadic church attendance, and my false sense of security that I knew “enough” about this faith stuff to get along okay.
Not addressing, however, things like my disordered eating, and my distorted concepts of love (just the “Daddy Issues” alone, that I had were challenge enough), let only a “Heavenly Father” love?
Yeah, that was not happening.
“We love each other because he loved us first.”
1 John 4:19
I did not know about this Scripture’s existence.
And knowing it much earlier than I happened upon it, years later, could have possibly helped my formative years immensely.
Earning love and worth, with and without the vehicle of eating disorders, again, unconsciously had me believing and pursuing that I needed to “get” The Most High’s love.
I had to earn it.
It was foreign to me, and it still challenges me now, to accept and rest in the Truth that He Loves me and chose me first.
Our Heavenly Father.
Yahshua.
Both/And.
Because, after all…
“I and The Father are One.”
John 10:30
So, even though, back then, rehearsing and playing Bananas, singing “I love you, so I keep dreaming,” I still was insecure in His Love.
I’m getting better at it, years later.
But the performance based/conditional love has a challenging vice grip.
I’m not going to lie.
Still, that is the baseline.
Getting the love thing, His Love thing, straight, or at least, addressed.
We all fall short of The Glory (Romans 3:23).
Yeah, so that’s some love stuff.
Moving on to some of the “dream” issue.
“I love you, so I keep dreaming.”
“But as it is written: ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which The Most High has prepared for those who love Him.’”
1 Corinthians 2:9
Youth makes dreaming easier.
We have not gotten the stuffing kicked out of us quite yet.
We can more easily believe in possibility. In hope. In a good life that is undeniably ours.
It’s more difficult, however, to maintain that sense of dreams coming true as we age.
We see, indeed, how some dreams go by the wayside.
Curveballs. Plot twists. Catastrophes.
We keep living, and, on some level, we experience these things.
And that often goes in tandem with our love experiences.
We see, as we age, how our hearts get broken.
We see, as life moves along, how what and who we were enthusiastic about now has made us gun-shy.
We had not counted on complication, at least, not at first.
However, a lot of us soon start racking complications, more than one, more than two, more than five.
Try in the two-or- three-digit range.
Sometimes, it looks like there is nothing but mess.
No dreams. No bankable love.
And faith?
Come on! Faith in… or for… what, exactly?
Again, being ignorant to so much Scripture, “once upon a time,” I knew nothing about verses like Jeremiah 29:11…
“For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Let’s get real. Most of us have a big Punisher view of The Most High.
We can tend to view Him at the least, as disinterested in us, and, at most, wanting to smite us at the least infraction.
Mercy?
Grace?
Help?
HA!
Forget it! We don’t see evidence of those things playing out in our lives, so much of the time.
We see punishment.
And that includes the realm of our dreams.
But no matter what, part of the human animal possesses some stubborn ability to hope and dream.
There is something we want.
Several somethings, in fact, even if/when we are beaten down by life.
“But as it is written: ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which The Most High has prepared for those who love Him.’”
1 Corinthians 2:9
Theatre possessed some of my dreams years ago. And, as I was onstage, I felt things in motion.
I prayed and thanked Him for what was occurring, as paltry as those acknowledgments were.
But I hadn’t experienced the peak and valley thing fully yet.
Peaks and valleys.
You know, life.
So, 1 Corinthians 2:9 may have seemed too unrealistic, as I became more cynical and jaded.
Yeah, maybe, “once upon a time.”
And then, over time, gradually and more comprehensively…
“Yeah, that’s great for others, but not for me.”
Recognizing yourself here yet?
Come on. We talk ourselves out of those dreams.
“Then Peter replied, ‘I see very clearly that The Most High shows no favoritism.’”
Acts 10:34
No preferential treatment.
It is not lost on me how this verse is in The Book of ACTS!
Action. Doing things. Pursuing things. Deeds.
Let that sink in a bit.
“I love you, so I keep dreaming.”
“Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:3
And that leads us to the committing of our dreaming… to Him?
Again, back then, when I was Bananas, I was not aware of the power of committing anything TO Him.
Yeah, sure, I prayed begging prayers, like we pray…
“Just please do this, gimme that…”
But it was all grabby.
There was not any commitment. There was no sense of entrusting something that was weighty and important.
It was short-sided. Selfish. Immature.
And I would LOVE to say that I have completely grown past all of that, that I am, indeed, so wise, on the mountain top.
I am no longer a selfish fool?
Well…
“For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.”
Galatians 5:17
As I type this, at 9:31 in the morning.
How is THAT for a pep talk?
“But I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”
Romans 7:23-25
Yep, still in the fight.
There is the necessity of the ongoing work of changing focus.
And no, it often is not fun.
But here’s a helpful-uh- starting point to attempt to embrace, wherever we find ourselves…
“Therefore do not be foolish but understand what the will of Elohim is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to Elohim with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to YAH The Father in the name of our Yahshua Ha-Mashiach, submitting to one another out of reverence for Yahshua Ha-Mashiach.”
Ephesians 5:17-21
“I love you, so I keep dreaming.”
And that leads me to connecting the love, the faith, and the dream dots.
Literally, as I played Bananas, I had to sing, off key, to the tune of “White Christmas.”
“I love you, so I keep dreaming.”
I was... singing.
But was I making melody to Elohim, by committing what I was doing?
Eh, not so much.
Not in love. Not in faith. Not in dreams.
And, yet again, not surprising, I knew nothing of Psalm 37:4…
“Delight yourself also in Elohim, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
That’s the Connector.
Him.
It’s about Him.
Committing ourselves, and everything that is attached to us… to Him.
Do we do that?
I still need a lot of work in that area.
But you and I can start.
We can “start to start,” even.
He will honor our honest, imperfect hearts. We recognize that there’s is a big “clean up committee” involved here.
But we can ask Him for help to help us love, know, connect to, and delight IN Him, right now.
And He, through that supernatural byproduct of “heart’s desires,” is faithful to give them to us.
Because they come from an aligned place.
What He wants to give us. How He wants to bless us. How He wants to realize dreams.
And most importantly, how He wants to love us.
Remember, He started it.
He loved us FIRST.
Let’s pray.
ABBA-
We come to You, in The Name of Our Savior, Yahshua.
You know where we stand on faith, love, and dreams right now.
You know our efforts and our motives.
Both have failed You. Both have not been focused on You.
Forgive us.
You know just how bruised, cynical, pessimistic, and scattered we are right now.
We need You. We need Your help.
Bandage our experiences with faith, love, and dreams.
You know just how they are wounds, badly in need of healing.
Heal and help us now, right now, continuing step by step.
Help us to get closer with You, to devote ourselves, dreams included, to You.
We cannot do this by ourselves.
We need You.
Take over.
Thank You for helping, teaching, redirecting, and for constantly loving us.
We receive it all, by faith, and with gratitude now, In Yahshua’s Name.
Amen.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Lymphedema (Cancerventures Book Excerpt)
Lymphedema (Cancerventures Book Excerpt)
“The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”
Proverbs 4:7
…I scheduled another office appointment for August 31st to discuss this mastectomy surgery. Of course, I was filled with questions, reading up on all things Breast cancer. This was especially the case concerning my lymph nodes.
Ah yes, my lymph nodes. Where do I start?
Lymphedema freaked me out. In my Breast cancer information folder, there was material on its risks and the maintenance following surgery and node removal. I was not heartened by what I read.
Some women develop this condition, creating mobility issues, pain and swelling of the arm. When you mess with the Lymphatic system, and its drainage mechanism, this is what can happen. I asked Dr. M…
“How many lymph nodes were typically removed during surgery?”
“Oh, not many. Only six or seven.”
“Six or seven? That seems like a lot. Could you only take one or two?” (Here I am, negotiating).
“Well, it’s really not that many.”
(In my mind, silently, “Well, it’s really not your body.”)
I read voraciously and spoke to women who had their own experiences with Lymphedema. “Not that many” nodes radically impacted their lives. They had to be careful not to injure, cut or scrape that “extremity arm,” (the arm corresponding with the affected breast). They had to wear compression garments, especially when they flew. There was swelling, discomfort, sometimes intense pain. They had to be hypervigilant to guard that area. Women were even warned about wearing shoulder strap purses over that affected arm.
It’s getting more terrific by the second.
So, I was dead set against the node removal. Yes, Dr. M. insisted it was the best way to test grade and stage on my cancer. I understood that, but what kind of wreckage would it visit on my quality of life in the process?
That was the essence of my priorities. I felt that was where my surgeon and I butted heads most frequently.
And it didn’t ease my mind to have recently caught an interview with actress, Kathy Bates (most famous for her role in the film, “Misery”). Bates was candid about going through Breast and Ovarian cancer having developed Lymphedema in the process.
She had twenty-two lymph nodes removed, nineteen just dealing with her Breast cancer alone. I don’t know whether it was in one fell swoop or if it was on more than one occasion, but, when you’re removing nodes in the double digits, that sounds extreme.
Bates, who promoted LE&RN, a Lymphedema awareness organization, was impassioned in her reasons in getting behind this cause.
“In medical school, they only spend, on average, a total of fifteen minutes studying the Lymphatic system. This is the system responsible for drainage. We need to study it more.”
Amen, Sister...
Amazon.com: Cancerventures: Tales of a Diagnosed Woman eBook : Cruse, Sheryle: Kindle Store
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Smooth Your Feathers
Here’s a little pep talk for those of us who identify with our feathered fellow.
Or, more accurately, our…plucked feathered fellow.
How many of us, right now, feel his clucking plight?
There is a reason why The Psalms are so famous; they cover the full spectrum of human condition.
Most of us are familiar with The 23rd Psalm, which is probably the most famous, with its Shepherd theme.
But there are others, like the deep regret of Psalm 51, the quick “help me” of Psalm 70, and, for extra fun and flair, the revenge-y type of passage, found in Psalm 110.
But this one…
“Cast your cares on Elohim and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”
Psalm 55:22
This came up for me as I saw this image of the scraggly walking poultry here.
Poultry is not exactly known for its bravery and its excellence.
They are mostly known for their egg laying ability, along with their clucking and crowing.
They are a bunch of “Nervous Nellies,” often flipping out in some barnyard afraid out of their gourds.
They are not “casting their cares.”
They are having a panicky freakout.
Much like us, the human creature.
You’ve heard the phrase, “running around, like a chicken with its head cut off.”
Yeah, that.
We can be exactly that.
“The sky is falling.”
What’s the state of your feathers today?
What’s your battle damage, from your personal cares, worries, issues, and concerns?
Can you stop, just for a second, and cast them onto Him?
Let’s pray a quick prayer.
Abba-
We come to You, in The Name of Yahshua.
You know our frenzy and our overwhelm.
So many cares, problems, frightening issues, and situations have filled our racing thoughts.
Help us.
We cannot solve this, by ourselves.
We need Your Help. Thank You.
You have everything in Your Control.
Repair, restore, and sustain us.
Help us from the panic that tries to overtake us.
Thank You.
We receive it, now, In The Name of Yahshua.
Amen.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
This Side of the Sink
A member of my family, grappling with hoarding behaviors, made herself a Post- It, which read, “Do Not Use This Side of the Sink.”
She wanted to remind herself of what worked and what didn’t work in her home, as it was increasingly overrun by chaos.
As I looked at that little square of yellow paper, I visualized my own issues, springing from my background of abuse, anxiety and depression. As I gazed into the square, two phrases rose to the top of my understanding: “What IF?” and “Not Enough/Too Much.”
Those have been the root causes of much suffering. I’ve been in therapy, for years, addressing those causes. But it has only been within the last few years, things were distilled so concisely under these two headings.
“What IF?” and “Not Enough/Too Much”
These mandates cut to our sense of self.
Are you and I safe? Are we okay?
Are we enough of the good attributes or too much of the unwelcomed variety?
Most of us, I believe, struggle with these stifling theories. We struggle to feel we are “enough” in any given context. We struggle to be at peace with ourselves in the world.
Beauty/Appearance
A rejecting sense of self, from the start, was expressed through my disordered eating and image issues. It was mostly reduced to two words I heard uttered endlessly during my childhood: “Right Weight.”
For whatever reason, as that child, I was told I was not meeting that criteria. I was placed on my first diet at age seven to remedy the situation. I wrongly believed that if I just fit a certain image, a thin one at that, I would finally be acceptable. Childhood and adolescence, not surprisingly, were filled with crash diets and self-loathing.
By eighteen, I was on my way to embodying Anorexia, and a low, two-digit weight and later, Bulimia, eventually gaining one hundred pounds more to my once- skeletal frame in under one year’s time.
The “What IF?” and “Not Enough/Too Much” principles were in full effect as I was petrified of “being fat.” That was the worst thing that could befall me.
“What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true.”
Job 3:25
“Being fat” would, indeed, bring much-deserved wrath, punishment and confirmation I was worthless.
And I wanted to escape that horrible sentence.
So, I created my own disordered prison to prevent it. Only, it didn’t work.
No matter where I was on the scale, no matter how emaciated, puffy and yes, “fat” I was, I was still hounded by “What IF?” and “Not Enough/Too Much.”
But I never answered that faulty thinking. I just lived in worst-case scenario possibility, never challenging the oppression with “You will still be valuable and good enough. That won’t change.”
“…I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:14
“What IF?” and “Not Enough/Too Much” didn’t let me off the hook, cementing fear. Was that nature or nurture? It’s hard to say, even after years of therapy.
It’s probably a combination of both. I, by nature, have an anxious temperament. That wasn’t helped by the dysfunction, the abuse and the chaos I was raised in. No matter what, I felt unsafe.
Lovability.
“…‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah 31:3
And, again, going back to my toxic sense of self, much of that unsafe perspective traced back to my loveable status. I didn’t feel I was.
Was my lovability in question because of something I did…or was it because of who I was?
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
Achievement.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
My misguided “solution” to that was to earn love. I believed if I could just change the actions “enough,” then I’d be okay.
I would, somehow, earn my keep: awards, good grades, scholarships, a two-digit weight, mastery over my human body, control. I knew that unconditional love was out of the question. And so, trying.
Striving.
Achieving. Failing.
And that last one, the “Failing” option, only reiterated the sinking conclusion for me personally: I was defective. Something was inherently wrong with me.
And no amount of trying or achieving would or could change that.
Perfection.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
1 Corinthians 12:9
Still, I believed if I could just be “perfect,” that would be my reassuring salvation.
After all, no one could argue with perfection. It, supposedly, defies argument because it promises itself to be complete, aesthetically pleasing, meeting every need and desire. Yes, I was desperate enough to believe I could attain that.
And, throughout my recovery, this word, “perfection” is a watchword I need to approach with brutal honesty. Its vestiges still hang around.
The voice, mouthing the tricky word, concurs, yet again with “What If?” and “Not Enough/Too Much.” They are triplets, or, at the very least, siblings, all vying for my demise in any way they can achieve it.
Perfection cannot only threaten to kill the body, via disordered behaviors of self-harm. It can also kill the psyche, the soul: the mind, the will and the emotions. That, one may argue, is a far more painful and destructive death.
Do Not Use This Side of the Sink.
And then there was my cancer diagnosis.
Going back to that sticky yellow Post-It, I now viewed “What If?” and “Not Enough/Too Much” as “that side of the sink” I needed to avoid.
Cancer grabbed my attention. Now, these oppressive slave drivers could kill me. I had to confront them; they could no longer have free reign over my psyche.
“Use THIS Side of the Sink!”
Therefore, I had to create and implement healthier strategies, under this heading.
I had to counter the toxicity of both “What If?” and “Not Enough/Too Much” with responses that were better for the psyche: “What IS” and “Enough, Even While Imperfect.”
Beauty/Appearance.
“Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.”
Song of Solomon 4:7
“What IS”
When I was fully in the grips of Anorexia, my worst fear was to gain weight. That included any fluid retention from drinking water. Anything that moved the scale, upping the pounds was a fate worse than death. Likewise, I viewed any food as the enemy that was going to end me, let alone, end my hopes and dreams to be some version of reinvented “thin/good enough.”
“What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true.”
Job 3:25
I kept torturing myself with the “What IF?” question, paralyzing myself with endless worst-case scenarios that, by the way, never happened.
“Our greatest fears lie in anticipation.”
Honoré de Balzac
And so, I had to look at and embrace “What IS.”
That means the imperfect body. At various eras and stages of my life, that has meant different things. Most recently, that includes life after my bilateral mastectomy; I no longer have breasts. Some people may think of that reality as horrific and unacceptable. I don’t. It is my reality.
“Enough, Even While Imperfect.”
“…I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:14
It took losing my breasts to “gain” a deeper self-acceptance. I am enough. No matter the body measurements, no matter the aesthetic standards, no matter the diagnosis, I am enough, even while being imperfect.
Lovability and Achievement.
“What IS”
Now, I’m in a phase of my life where I am gradually accepting the anticipation of the interesting, while learning how to love and appreciate myself. Interesting things are imperfect. And an interesting life is, likewise, an imperfect life.
The world still turns without perfection. It still turns.
One realization, indeed, can dovetail into another.
Lovability does not require performance-based, jumping through hoops. It should not require it, anyway. However, the myth of achievement often tells us otherwise. We are as valuable as our appearance, bank account, social standing, relationship, and any other external thing.
But that’s a lie.
No matter what we do, how we look, how much money we make, what goal we realize, it does not change our inherent value.
Lovability is part of that package.
“…‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah 31:3
I’ve embraced my faults, my failures, my real-life manifestations of imperfection, my drastic, changed body…and I’m still okay. In fact, I’m more than okay; again, I’m interesting. I’m human in all of humanity’s glory. That’s beautiful, wonderful, strong, delicate. It’s not predicated on doing, but on being.
Being is the “What IS” that has been there all along. We just need to recognize it as such. Different experiences and realizations create the “What IS” space. But the space does exist.
“Enough, Even While Imperfect”
And again, it permits you and I to be loved and loveable, as imperfect as we currently are. My faith has thrown around an intimidating, Biblical word: Grace.
But, yes, Grace is the Space.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
Grace doesn’t shy away from here and now, from ugly pain and truth, from imperfection. Grace is.
Apply as needed.
The fears, the failures, the rejections of who we are, whether self-imposed or from other people, all exist on one side of the sink, the non-working side of the sink.
Shouldn’t we try something else now?
Shouldn’t we try something else that will work?
Love? Acceptance? Dignity? Respect? They all exist.
They’re all found in The Most High. Complete. There are two sides of the sink.
He is in both. And both sides work.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Just Dolls? (IF You Know?)
Just Dolls?
“It is the glory of The Most High to conceal a thing: but the honor of kings is to search out a matter.”
Proverbs 25:2
Just dolls?
Or more to it?
IF You Know?
If You Know?: Cruse, Sheryle: 9798272042019: Amazon.com: Books
The Happy Family? (IF You Know? Book Excerpt)
…The Happy Family?
When I was five, I received three dolls as a Christmas present. But what might raise a curious eyebrow about these dolls was their skin color: black.
While going through still more old photos, I stumbled across two images of me holding them.
I was first given the white “Sunshine Family” version of these dolls a year earlier. And I remember playing with them often.
So, was that the reason why Mom gave me the black “Happy Family” dolls, one year later?
Or did Mom decide I needed these dolls?
And, if that was the case, why, exactly, did she feel I needed them?
Now, upon having questions about my identity and my family’s identity, provoked even further by Bliss Broyard’s book, “One Drop,” suddenly, these dolls took on more importance.
Again, it comes back to context.
I was a little girl, raised by a “white family,” living in a “small, white, rural town.” At that time, no black people lived IN that small town. NONE. All my little white playmates played with white baby dolls and white Barbie dolls…
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Valentine’s Day Balloon Bouquet (Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
Valentine’s Day Balloon Bouquet (Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
“But as it is written: ‘Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which The Most High has prepared for those who love Him.’”
1 Corinthians 2:9
…In college, I was pursuing a theatre degree. My best performances weren’t on the stage, but in my everyday life, protecting my secrets. Acting, lying: what’s the difference, anyway? It was through theatre that I met (Hubby), the first guy that I couldn’t push away.
He was there for me.
I met Hubby when I transferred schools. We were both theatre students and met in the college drama department when I was a junior. We stayed on friendly, acquaintance-level terms through my graduation. He was sweet to me and possessed a dry sense of humor. It made for supportive, interesting and funny conversations. Still, I looked at him the way I looked at other guys: a nice friend, but still someone who must never know all of my ugly weaknesses.
Even though we didn’t start dating until after I graduated, our friendship was gradually changing while I was still in school. During my senior year of college, he was very thoughtful. For example, on Valentine’s Day, he stopped by my dorm room. Of course, I had been on my stair stepper for hours and wouldn’t come to the door. I kept yelling over the music, “I’m not done yet!” He waited as long as he could, but eventually he had to leave for work. When I finally finished my routine, I got my stuff together and headed for the dorm showers. When I opened my door, there was an overwhelmingly huge bouquet of balloons and a card.
He had waited for at least a half-hour for me, just to give me this sweet gift. All I said to him was “I’m not done yet.” I felt like the biggest jerk in the world…”
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
I Think You are Wonderful
I once came across this child’s drawing once sent to the legendary Marilyn Monroe.
Children often get right to the truthful point.
“I think you are wonderful.”
What an astounding thought. Yet, how many of us experience that sentiment?
Yeah.
Most of us struggle with this positive self-image thing. We may have had negative people and experiences in which we were told- and believed- the exact opposite. Coping with that pain, therefore, it’s no surprise some of us have turned to our addictions, disorders and any number of “comforting” vices. We want to feel we are wonderful. And the drug, the drink, the food or any other object of our desire supposedly tells us precisely that.
Meanwhile, however, we completely lose sight of a Truth, if we ever knew about it in the first place. The Most High already thinks we’re wonderful.
He thinks that…about us… right now. And Elohim isn’t short on these kinds of thoughts…
“How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O YAH! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.”
Psalm 139:17-18
However, how much time, how many negative, self-destructive and toxic thoughts do each of us spend, draining ourselves, dragging ourselves down and engaging in self-destructive choices?
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...”
Proverbs 23:7
And then, what if we have the audacity to believe these negative thoughts are actually The Almighty’s thoughts? Things like...
He hates us...
He wants to punish us...
He doesn’t care...
He can’t do anything for us; it’s hopeless...
You can see how motivating these kinds of thoughts are in promoting a happy and healthy life and recovery.
Yes, we need to remember there’s a difference when it comes to the area of thoughts.
Our negative self-image does not equal The Most High’s perspective about us…
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says Elohim. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
Some examples of those higher thoughts include…
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go: I will guide you with My eye.”
Psalm 32:8
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you… thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
Yep, that’s already over our heads, isn’t it?
But wait, He’s just getting warmed up. We haven’t even gotten to the love stuff yet.
“Since you were precious in my sight… I have loved you…”
Isaiah 43:4
“…‘Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah 31:3
“Elohim your YAH in your midst, the Mighty One will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17
Whew! He sounds like a love struck Romeo, doesn’t He?
But that’s the point. He is besotted with love for us; He just can’t help Himself.
Can anyone say Song of Solomon?
“If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents.”
Song of Solomon 1:8
“Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes.”
Song of Solomon 1:15
“Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.”
Song of Solomon 4:1
“Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.”
Song of Solomon 4:7
And I’m just citing the tamer verses here. Song of Solomon, known as the most erotic book of the Bible, symbolizes the passionate love between The Most High and us. Depicting the chatty commentary of two young lovers, this book has some pretty steamy pages.
And, as if that wasn’t enough of a love fest, proving how much He is “into us,” check out these next two ditties:
“But The Most High demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Yahshua Ha-Mashiach died for us.”
Romans 5:8
“For The Most High so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
John 3:16
These aren’t just some random musings here.
Yahshua
Our Heavenly Father’s Son.
Died for us.
Still feel unlovable?
Need more?
All right, let’s truck on over to Genesis, the beginning of the whole shebang.
“So The Most High created mankind in his own image,
in the image of The Most High he created them;
male and female he created them…
The Most High saw all that he had made, and it was very good...”
Genesis 1:27; 31
The Almighty, from the start, created us to be glorious “mini me’s” of Himself...
“And The Most High said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...’”
Genesis 1:26
From the beginning, He thought we were wonderful.
Why can’t we then?
“…I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”
Psalm 139:14
Why should that wonderful thought be any more difficult to believe than any negative, insulting thought we entertain in our daily lives?
“I think you are wonderful.”
Let’s endeavor to start thinking that way about ourselves. Elohim already does.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
Let the Word Do the Work
I am a hopeless romantic. I also majored in Theatre in college.
It should, therefore, come as no shock that I LOVE “Wuthering Heights” by Emily Brontë, a classic in literature. I read it in high school, well, most of it (Cliff Notes did the rest).
Speaking of “cliff,” let’s talk “Heathcliff,” the dashing male figure within the literary classic.
This, now, leads me to my hopeless romantic self, to my love of film, and the film adaptation of “Wuthering Heights.”
Sir Lawrence Olivier embodied the dashing, brooding, moody, tortured (in need of trauma therapy, for sure), Heathcliff.
(Yes, let’s be real. In the story, whether it be in book or film form, Heathcliff was not emotionally healthy. Heathcliff was abusive. Olivier’s portrayal of him certainly spotlights his cruelty. But I digress).
Yes, Heathcliff, we will put a pin in this “Wuthering Heights” stuff for now; we will make that world stop for now.
And move on to the very real actor portraying you.
“Let the wig do the work.”
Sir Lawrence Olivier
This famous thespian, of stage and screen, supposedly, uttered this line.
They did not teach it in any of the acting classes I took in college.
Nevertheless, I did acquire some “on the stage” experience concerning this quote, years before I came across the quote.
During my Junior year, I was cast in a stage production of John Guare’s “The House of Blue Leaves.”
I was cast as Bananas O’ Shawnessy, the crazy housewife, just released from a mental facility.
And she barked like a dog.
Woof-woof.
Dealing with the director, he wanted me to wear a wig. I had long dark hair.
And, despite one my fellow actors making the comment, “She’ll look great and crazy, running across that stage, with all that hair flying,” the director’s vision decided otherwise.
Faded copper wig, instead, with three curlers in it.
I already tried being a redhead when I was thirteen, with disastrous results, dying my hair “Red Copper Penny” TWICE during a three-month summer vacation.
I wanted to look like Rita Hayworth.
I looked like I had Jaundice instead. (My Olive Complexion).
Anyway, I can attest to the influence that faded copper wig, with at least three curlers in it, had on me.
Yes, I learned my lines. Yes, I rehearsed. Yes, I prayed not to make a fool of myself onstage, forgetting my lines or tripping on the set.
All of that helped.
And there was something about putting on that wig, along with the ratty robe costume.
“Let the wig do the work.”
Did I more authentically… “become crazy?”
(No comment from the peanut gallery, please).
I say all of this, if you are still following me after Heathcliff, Olivier, theatre, and wigs to highlight THIS SCRIPTURE…
Isaiah 55:8-11:
8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
And do not return there,
But water the earth,
And make it bring forth and bud,
That it may give seed to the sower
And bread to the eater,
11So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”
But let’s really zoom in on Verse Eleven:
“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”
“LET THE WORD DO THE WORK.”
That’s what popped up for me, anyway.
Scripture asserts that His Word… WORKS!
It accomplishes what it was intended to do.
And, unlike a wig, it is not ornamental, or for aesthetics only.
It does some DEEP work.
My theatre background has familiarized me some on similarities to “learning lines.”
It goes far beyond simply “reading the Bible.”
Yes, we are called to read, and even memorize, Scripture.
AND…
Much like that of a wig…
Put on The Word.
Embody it. Apply it. Speak it. Make it your own.
“Work The Word.”
But know, the entire time, that it is truly “The Word doing The Work.”
Just some musings from a Theatre Major.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
About Being a Caregiver…
Different Paintings…
(Cancerventures Book Excerpt)
“…(Hubby) is schlepping much more difficult paintings than those college days.
It’s paintings of anxiety, disappointment, and tears, of surgery drains, bandages, and scars, of medical tests, of waiting, of possible recurrence, of errands, of buying me cute things because I’d like them, of telling me I’m beautiful when I don’t quite fit the standard criteria anymore, of reassuring me. It’s paintings of not showing he’s scared or overworked or overtired or having health issues himself, all because he must take care of his wife who has cancer.
Sometimes, there are just too many paintings to schlep...”
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
“Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12
Arrow By Day
"I sought Elohim, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4
As part of gym class when I was a kid, we learned archery.
The gymnasium was set up with bullseye targets and “shooting stations.”
It was not that spectacular. The point was to get us youngsters exposed to the different types of sports and physical activity.
I was not good at gym class. Some of my best traumas have resulted from this era of my childhood.
I was so anxious about anything. Not being well-coordinated, and being overweight, not surprisingly, I was, therefore, not good at “sports.”
I tried to just get through the exercises of humiliation, get it over with, await the “S” for “satisfactory,” or the “C” on my report card.
I was anxious during each class session.
Again, I just wanted “to get it over with.”
So much so, that, during one of the class rounds of shooting arrows, I, solely fixated on getting everything done and over with ASAP, after shooting my arrows. I went towards the target, to pull them out.
Big mistake.
Other kids’ arrows were still in motion. I could have gotten struck, probably in the back.
It would have probably been more than a flesh wound, let’s put it that way.
I soon heard the whistle blow, and my gym teacher sprinted, yanking me out of the area.
Yes, we students were informed not to retrieve out arrows until everyone had finished shooting.
It was dangerous not to wait. We could be literally shot with some stray arrow.
Dangerous.
I paid attention, at the time of that warning, to the caution, as we embarked on this sport.
But, again, on this particular morning, I was anxious.
I was consumed with getting everything over with as soon as possible.
It was a coping strategy, learned from my childhood abuse experiences.
So, any safety instructions fell out of my head in that space.
The event was traumatizing and humiliating, but I was introduced to the concept of arrows, anxiety, and how they would show up in my later life as “issues.”
“Arrows.”
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
1 John 4:18
Anxiety. Fear. Nervousness.
Scripture has a lot to say about fear. And how He helps concerning it.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your YAH; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"For The Most High gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
2 Timothy 1:7
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for Elohim your YAH is with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to The Most High. And the peace of YAH, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Yahshua Ha-Mashiach Christ.
Philippians 4:6-7
As a child, I did not know about these scriptures.
As a child, fear just got embedded into my central nervous system.
Hence, the archery incident in gym class.
Anxiety. Fear. Nervousness.
Yep, they have been a part of my life.
Abuse, trauma, and the scary world we inhabit have made sure that I would wrestle with these things in my life.
Within the past few years, I have really grabbed ahold of Psalm 91, for protection.
Comprehensive protection.
And there is QUITE a need for comprehensive protection.
This part of the scriptural passage has been especially resonant for me.
"You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day."
Psalm 91:5
The arrow that flies by day.
That can apply to any number of precarious, uncertain, dangerous, and threatening circumstances.
We live in a scary world.
Arrows are aiming and shooting at us all day long.
Psalm 91:5 also intersects with Isaiah 54:17…
“No weapon formed against you shall prosper…”
Just visualize an arrow being formed and aimed at you and me.
It looks ominous and deadly. It looks like it’s going to take you and I out.
And then, The Most High steps in.
Like the gym teacher who intervened when I was walking towards my target to remove my shot arrows, amidst other kids’ flying weapons.
Nothing hit me.
Nothing will hit you, either.
The weapon may be formed.
But, with The Sovereignty of The Most High, we are protected.
And we are also equipped and directed to put on The Armor of The Most High (Ephesians 6:10-18).
And there is particular attention paid to Ephesians 6:16…
"In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one."
Arrows flying at us?
We are called to EXTINGUISH them.
All “by faith.”
I suppose we could go to Amazon and order a full-on knight’s armor.
(But really, where would we store it when not in use?)
The armor, although invisible to the human eye, is still real, strong, active, and protective.
It would have been great for me to understand this when I was a kid in gym class.
Alas, I was nine. What do you want from me?
But, here and now, we can address the arrows of fear, anxiety, threat, and danger, applying power from The Most High to our circumstances.
It’s not done perfectly, easily. Feelings usually don’t get all warm and fuzzy.
We may, indeed, still “feel fear.”
But it does not have the final say.
The Most High does.
He is greater than any arrow.
Let’s pray.
ABBA-
I come to You, in The Name of Yahshua, Your Son, my Savior.
You know my fears.
You know what terrifies me.
You know and see every weapon.
Forgive me for focusing so much on them.
You are more powerful than any threat that rises against me.
Help me to internalize that, activate my faith for that to be reality in my life.
Thank You for protecting and helping me in innumerable ways that I cannot see and am not aware of.
Thank You for keeping me safe.
Help me to feel Your safety, intercepting every arrow, from here on out.
Thank You for helping me.
I receive it, by faith, in Yahshua’s Name.
Amen.
Copyright © 2026 by Sheryle Cruse
A Prayer For Curses (IF You Know?)
Curses in the bloodline. We are guilty of contributing to it somehow. On a small individual scale. And on a larger scale of humanity and spiritual identity deception.
We are the culprits. Let’s pray, then, the Culprit’s Prayer.
You and I, right here, right now.
“…What is Your Name, and what is Your Son’s Name, if you know?”
Proverbs 30:4
If You Know?: Cruse, Sheryle: 9798272042019: Amazon.com: Books
