Disclosure (Thin Enough Book Excerpt)
…“‘For I will restore health to you, and heal you of your wounds,’...”
—Jeremiah 30:17
Disclosure was the next step in my recovery process. As I was focusing on the benefits of physical health again, I desired to address my emotional and spiritual needs as well. Again, this pursuit was not tied up in a neat package. Disclosure would be experimental for me, “trying it out” on people, testing the waters.
Question: Are you scared to have people know “the real you”?
My first successful attempt at disclosure occurred at a doctor’s visit. I thought, “she’s a doctor; I’m her patient. She needs to know these things.” Although it was a small step, I felt relieved and empowered as I filled out the medical history forms. I was still nervous, though, as I wrote that I was recovering from eating disorders in the “Other Conditions” blank.
When we were in the exam room, going over my history, I felt relief when she barely batted an eyelash at my “horrible secrets.” I don’t know what I feared. Would she gasp in horror, alert her staff and the local media, sequester me to a cell for the rest of my life, while telling me how worthless, hopeless, and stupid I was? That didn’t happen. A new thought was freeing and comforting to me: I wasn’t in danger because someone knew.
Feeling encouraged by the end of this visit, I ask if she knew of any good therapists. Having recently moved to a new state, I viewed this as a good time to take advantage of a clean slate. I kept thinking about was the decision I made when I’d said to God: “Fine, if others know about this, fine.” My actions had yet to show I meant this decision. A few previous, unsuccessful bouts with disclosure left me feeling very reluctant and gun-shy. To say that I had trust issues would be an understatement. They were, indeed, added to my “issue pile.” I had to deal with all of it though.
“He who covers his sins will not prosper: but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”
—Proverbs 28:13
My first unsuccessful disclosure attempt had been with my roommates during my sophomore year of college. As they became more frustrated with my erratic behavior, they enlisted help from my guidance counselor, the former nun, and another counselor. The four of them then “ganged up” on me. The second counselor contacted me, informing me that my roommates had set up a meeting with me. My attendance was strongly encouraged. With everything that had occurred that year, I didn’t think they wanted to discuss the apartment decor. Cornered, with no way out, I had no choice but to participate in this meeting.
The “meeting” finally came. It felt like an ambush. We met in one of the college boardrooms, and even the seating arrangement singled me out. I sat alone at the end of the long table. My two roommates and the counselors sat on the opposite end of the long table. I’m not sure if this was an intentional battle plan, but I did feel like I was in a war. The four expressed concern for me, and my roommates confronted me about my behaviors. I was asked to seek professional help that the school could provide for me. I reluctantly admitted what I had done and agreed to seek treatment. I took some comfort in knowing that I wouldn’t have to deal with this for very long. This “meeting” occurred in March. I only had two months to go before transferring to another school the following year.
At that time I went to therapy only because I had to go, not because I wanted to go. In my opinion, eating disorder sufferers will go along with the flow because of their own need to avoid confrontation and conflict of any sort. But make no mistake about it, their will can be strong and their personal agendas can be firmly in place. I went to only two sessions with my appointed counselor. We barely scratched the surface of things. She weighed me, she had me draw a self-portrait showing how I saw myself, and we started talking about family issues related to my mother and father. I thought to myself the whole time, “I just need to make it to May, then I’m out of here!” After those two sessions, I canceled any other appointments with her through the month of May. I was “free” once again…
