Birds of prey.
There’s more to these creatures, and the symbolic roles they can play in our difficult lives.
Many of us, especially dealing with Narcissistically abusive family systems, have experienced abuse, manipulation, and varying degrees of spiritually significant warfare and torture.
Let’s be clear, everyone: Narcissistic abuse IS a spiritual issue.
It’s not over-the-top to state that, yes, its tactics ARE evil.
And navigating this treacherous terrain is not made any easier considering Proverbs 30:17:
“The eye that mocks at a father and despises obedience to a mother—the ravens of the valley will dig it out, and the young eagles will eat it.”
Do we feel cursed as we try to simply survive?
Do we feel cursed as we feel that we have no other choice than to go “no-contact” with someone, simply to survive, let alone, thrive?
Do we feel hopeless and future-less?
What do we think The Most High thinks of this situation?
It does not promote easy and comforting answers, does it?
(“IF You Know?” Book Excerpt):
…Underlying Condition: Curse?
“There is a generation...”
The curse- the infirmity- the gigantic question mark of identity- speaks to underlying condition.
Health-wise, I have knowledge and experience of that term.
My own struggles with depression, eating disorders, and cancer have given me acute awareness that something that is hidden from view often drives physical reactions within the human body.
Eventually, the body speaks up that there is something wrong.
Sometimes, the body screams.
An emotional breakdown. A suicide attempt. A tumor. A stroke. A heart attack. A need to amputate a body part.
All screams. They didn’t start out that way.
And personally, this ties into my scream.
I had a breaking point, and a response that could lump me into the unflattering generation, as depicted in Proverbs 30…
“There is a generation that curses its father. And does not bless its mother. There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes Yet is not washed from its filthiness. There is a generation—oh, how lofty are their eyes! And their eyelids are lifted up. There is a generation whose teeth are like swords, and whose fangs are like knives. To devour the poor from off the earth, And the needy from among men.”
Proverbs 30:11-14
Was that also part of the Curse?
Generationally on me, and then I added my choices TO it?
Deuteronomy 24:16 was, after all, not the most encouraging scripture about my plight…
“…everyone shall be put to death for his own sin alone.”
Great.
My reaction?
Here’s my side of it, in brief.
Call it excuse, cop-out, yes, sin, and, of course, curse.
Because of these difficult, painful, abusive, disordered, and diseased dynamics, existing intergenerationally, and then, making their way to me, I was at a painful crossroads.
It, most dramatically, led to my breast cancer diagnosis.
My health. My emotional wellbeing. Both were severely taxed.
And I was my mother’s caregiver at the time of my diagnosis.
Stress upon stress.
Abusive dynamics were still ongoing.
No one in the family system appeared to be dealing with the dysfunction.
I tried to hang in there. Unsuccessful closure concerning my dad’s passing drove me to be there for my mother “until the end.”
I couldn’t be, though.
Cancer and life made things unmanageable. I was beyond my limit.
So, around the time of the 2020 Pandemic, I made the excruciating decision to go “no- contact” with my, yes, elderly, in-a-care-facility, mother.
I tied up whatever loose ends I could, dealing with her care facility. They were tending to most of her immediate care needs. They would now continue to do so without me.
“Behold, your mother…”
John 19:27
That scripture haunted me. I wanted to “look after her.” I felt that I repeatedly failed. And now, my health…and even my faith appeared to be failing also.
This wasn’t an easy or a quick decision for me to make.
But so much was toxic.
After my diagnosis, I tried to keep up my caregiving responsibilities. I tried to pretend nothing had changed.
But it had.
Guilt or self-care?
Glorifying The Most High? Or being a selfish failure of a daughter?
I got mixed messages from my mother. And that was torture.
In one conversation, Mom told me, “Your health is the most important.”
Still, I felt that those words were lip service.
I called her frequently. I tried to see her often. That became more challenging, fresh from my cancer treatment. Occasionally, I had to cancel plans and make the much-dreaded phone call.
One such cancellation was at the last minute on a Sunday morning; her phone kept ringing. She was at breakfast, away from her room. I called the care facility’s nurses’ station.
“Stephanie,” one of my nurse allies, answered.
An act of cowardice, perhaps, but I asked Stephanie to deliver the news to Mom. She knew about my cancer diagnosis, and my failed attempts to see my mother. Stephanie tried to comfort me.
“Sheryle, she’ll understand. You have been going through a lot. You wouldn’t expect your mother to go all the way up to see you now. She can’t. You cannot see her now. You need to take care of yourself.”
I hoped- but doubted- Mom would see it that way.
The next day, I called her. I made, again, my usual apologies, citing difficult health issues that often occur without warning, despite all solidified plans.
“That’s okay. I’m used to being disappointed.”
(Dagger to my I’m-trying-my-best-here heart).
“Disappointed.”
This was not the first time I’d heard that word uttered from her lips. I usually heard it phrased before as, “Don’t disappoint me again.”
But this was the most traumatizing expression of the word.
She couldn’t see me. She couldn’t see past herself, to see that there were things going on with me.
She would never “get it.”
Even if it was cancer.
I hadn’t counted on this one conversation with Mom being identity crisis, health crisis, and personal crisis.
Mother. Cancer.
Which one gets the most attention? Which one should?
So, I left. I left my elderly mother, relocating to Philadelphia.
“There is a generation that curses its father. And does not bless its mother…”
Proverbs 30:11
Therefore, am I a part of this generation?
Another expression of being cursed?
“There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes Yet is not washed from its filthiness...”
Proverbs 30:11-14
Was I pure in my own eyes? Only prideful? Ungrateful? Unloving? And… unclean?
I spent a lifetime trying to be the right family member in a toxic family system.
I tried to address things. I sought help. I cried for help.
It didn’t seem to come.
Was I just character defect, incarnate?
“There is a generation—oh, how lofty are their eyes! And their eyelids are lifted up...”
Proverbs 30:11-14
Excuses, excuses, excuses?
“There is a generation whose teeth are like swords, and whose fangs are like knives...”
Proverbs 30:11-14
Just cursed? I brought it on myself?
I had emotion and language that were swords and fangs, yes, I did.
Unanswered cries for help will do that for a person.
Spiritually, was this part of the curse package?
I didn’t know how much “fallout” was part of it.
What was sin? Failure? Being irresponsible?
Or just barely operating under a vague, ill-informed, but legitimate curse?
Sins of the Father. Sins of the Mother.
Going back how many generations?
Because “white” maybe, was all- important? Being “Gentile” was all- important?
And what reality of being “Jewish” or “Hebrew,” was unacceptable?
What do we label “it?”
Being only a narrow definition of acceptable identity was all-important?
“To devour the poor from off the earth, And the needy from among men.”
Proverbs 30:11-14
Am I only a devourer?
As I attempt to write about this, filled with caution, unease, and a possible reality I am exploiting my life experiences for, what, profit? Acclaim?
My experiences happened.
Was there nothing to them?
Am I just cursed in this regard as well?
Deeply embedded in the bloodline?...
He knows. He knows.
Whatever identity and issues we have come through, He knows.
He still loves us.
Embrace that, right now, wherever you find yourself.
He loves, despite any vulture. He is more powerful than any vulture!
“For I know the plans that I think toward you⁺, a declaration of YHWH, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give to you⁺ a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11
Let’s pray.
Abba-
I come to You, through Our Shepherd.
Your only begotten Son, Our Savior, יֵשׁוּעַ.
You know “the curses” that pertain to me.
You know the curses that involve my family members.
You know what has taken place.
You know, even if and when I do not know.
There are so many questions.
Forgive me, as I responded in ways that were not glorifying to You.
You know why I did what I felt I needed to do.
I invoke Jeremiah 29:11, even now, for my life.
Restore my life and my future.
Heal my life and my future.
You know your plans for me.
Thank You that You want a future and a hope for me.
I receive it now, by faith.
Thank You
Amen.
