Hiding Behind The Panda (Thin Enough)
“…there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed or hidden that will not be made known.”
Matthew 10:26; Luke 12:2
“For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.”
Mark 4:22
I know what I’m doing.
I’m in control.
I’m fooling everyone.
I don’t need help.
No one knows what’s really going on.
“…In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.”
2 Corinthians 13:1
What are you hiding behind?
Hiding Behind the Panda
“…there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed or hidden that will not be made known.”
Matthew 10:26; Luke 12:2
This time of year, with its county and state fairs in full swing, I’m reminded of an eating disorder memory.
The summer before my sophomore year of college, I was at my lowest weight, riddled with Anorexic beliefs and behaviors. I weighed a two-digit weight, and my condition elicited concern from numerous friends and family members.
Still, I was determined to let nothing, and no one stop me. I was solely fixated on my goal of being thin, to an emaciated degree. I wanted no one to interfere as I went about my daily life.
And I thought I would achieve that as I decided to go to the Minnesota State Fair in late August.
Not so fast.
By now, my disordered eating tendencies felt as close to my normal routine as they could be. I got up early that morning, engaged in my punishing exercise, non-eating, and grooming routines. I wore a “normal” white t-shirt and jean shorts. There was, to my knowledge, nothing attention-grabbing about my presence.
But my fair-going experience would quickly show me otherwise.
For, as I walked the long stretch of the fair site, I noticed people’s stares. I seemed to run into families with young children. And the children, as filter-less as they are, gawked and pointed.
Although I could not hear the interactions, I suspected they were asking their parents what was wrong with me.
I saw disgust on the adults’ faces.
They could not get away from me fast enough. I had at least three of these encounters.
I wanted to convince everyone, even in this fair setting, I was “fine.” And it irritated me that people seemed to “know,” to be bothered, appalled, or fearful about my presence.
I wanted to believe I was doing well; I was not out of control. I was not sick. And, in this anonymous circumstance, strangers were disputing my well-being. I believed, sure, my family and friends who expressed their concerned thoughts were one thing; they could operate in a personal agenda to hurt me.
But total strangers?
And here’s where, I encountered the powerful impact about two or three witnesses…
“…In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.”
2 Corinthians 13:1
“But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.”
Matthew 18:16
I was a skeleton. Dressing me up for fun at the fair did nothing to change that. Neither did my desire to persuade others I was “normal.”
Still, I was thoroughly convinced I could blend in and not appear like I had a problem.
So, I decided to look like even more of a festive fairgoer.
I bought one of those huge stuffed panda bears and proceeded to walk around with that sucker for the rest of my experience.
Hey, c’mon. Look how happy I am; I have this gigantic bear!
