Freezing Layers (Thin Enough)

(Thin Enough Book Excerpt)

One of my “goals” was fitting into a bridesmaid dress for my cousin’s wedding. She asked me in March to be a bridesmaid in her summer wedding. At that time, I weighed around 115-120 lbs, which translated into a size 9/ 10 dress.

           

By June, I was about 95-100 lbs and the dress swallowed me. I felt my accomplishment as the seamstress cinched in the sides of the waist. Yes, I was getting smaller. My cousin could only look at my mother in stunned, horrified disbelief. But, hey, I was successful!

 

Question: Do people around you (family members and friends) make comments about your weight loss/appearance?

 

I really started obsessing the two weeks prior to the wedding. Looking back on my diary entries, I wrote a repetitive string of comments like, “I’m not going to eat today or tomorrow,” and “I can’t blow it now. I’m so close.” I was desperate to convince my mom that I was just “slimming down” for a special occasion. To prove myself, I asked for the two of us to draw up a written agreement… In the meantime, I continued days straight without eating, accompanied by hours of excessive exercise, 2 - 4000 sit-ups a day, insanity etc., insanity etc.

The August wedding eventually came and proved to be both anti-climactic and tense. The build up, the hype, the “end-all, be-all” quality I had attached to it was replaced with a disappointing reality… I tried on the dress and discovered that’s all it was—just a dress. Yes, it was hanging on me, but it didn’t really mean anything anymore. I was too exhausted for it to mean anything to me. I had to pin the sides of the dress with safety pins…

Despite the fact that I was freezing, I was determined to wear this girly pink southern belle extravaganza off the shoulder. Mom, however, felt differently. With a look of disgust on her face, kept pushing up the shoulders on the dress. It was more than just a mother/ daughter appropriate dressing situation here. She was trying to cover up her grotesque daughter with her grotesque collarbones and her grotesque shoulder blades. I was an embarrassment, something to be ashamed of, repulsed by—again.

All day, I got double-takes and felt constant stares. Family and guests at the wedding, one by one, stared just a little too long, making me uncomfortable. Here I was, my whole life craving attention, but not this! People stammered things like, “Sheryle, you look, pretty” and “My, you’re thin. I didn’t recognize you.” They obviously felt uncomfortable saying it. A guy cousin of mine said something like, “Man, you’re thin,” (two beats of awkward silence), “but—you—you look—good.” He said it to me like I was in danger of dying right there.

It was a long day. I focused most of my concentration on just staying vertical and not fainting. I had accomplished my goal; I was skinny for this wedding. I was just too exhausted and hollow to enjoy it.

Question: Do you consider yourself to be fat even when people comment on how thin you are?

My mom held me to our pact when the wedding was over. I’d dress for my “weigh in” in my workout clothes, a leotard, or a one-piece number of some sort. I’d then wear my long johns over that, with a t-shirt, then exercise pants and the matching shirt. This helped a lot in keeping me a little bit warmer. I then added a large flannel shirt and some baggy jeans—of course; any jeans at this point were baggy. I was wearing jeans that I wore when I was twelve years old. I was nineteen now, and they were enormous on me. I wore two pairs of socks to top it all off.

I’d approach Mom, confident in my armor and I’d step on the scale. Because I weighed myself several times a day, I knew I should only register 80-85 lbs. But with all of this, I felt triumphant as I watched the needle on the scale flicker to the 98/99 lb. mark—a “safe” number for my family to see.

I was “safe” once again, even though I was tired all of the time. At least I was living “in control.” I started feeling really guilty, especially when I prayed…