I didn’t know where I was going then. I don’t know now.
“But I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your (YAH) God and you will be my people. Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you. But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts.”
Jeremiah 7:23-24
Is that me? Is that what I have on my hands here?
Following my own stubborn inclination of my evil heart?
(Abba, please have mercy on me).
So, do my (disobedient) tears count?
I’m hoping, in the name of my pathetic mustard seed faith (Matthew 17:20), ye-e-e-s?
Glass Darkly…
“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12
Yep, that’s me.
Pain…
That’s ALSO me right now.
Self-inflicted pain-shot wound?
Or is it pain from beyond my control?
Or is it BOTH?
Unclear.
Nevertheless, I am burdened.
And scripture states that it’s not from Him…
“In fact, this is love for (The Most High) God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome.”
1 John 5:3
I don’t know right now.
More painful besides? I don’t feel that I am “remaining in His love.”
“If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.”
John 15:10
So, do my (disobedient) tears count?
I feel shaky and unsteady, the more I grapple with this.
Leading me to torturous additional question marks…
Second Guessing?
“If you love me, keep my commands.”
John 14:15
I have been repeatedly hounded by that one BIG tiny word: “If.”
For someone raised by conditional love and abuse, only knowing performative ways of being, inundated by gaslighting as a manipulative tactic, “if” is not just a word. It’s my inherent vocabulary.
Second- third- fourth- guessing.
Because I was always made to be wrong.
Because I was never allowed to be “right.”
Therefore, this scripture is an accurate profile sketch of my tested faith walk…
“But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:6-8
Tossed to and fro? Double- minded man?
Unstable?
“Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”
James 1:22
Again, can I be real with you?
These scriptures, experientially, trip me up…
“So that you may live a life worthy of (Elohim) the Lord and please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.”
Colossians 1:10
“For we are (YAH’S) God’s handiwork, created in (Yahshua Ha-Mashiach) Christ Jesus to do good works, which (YAH) God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Ephesians 2:10
Again, it’s the second-third-fourth guessing, going all the way back from childhood. I still wrestle WITH it.
And Matthew 7:21 doesn’t comfort and soothe me much in the area…
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘(Elohim, Elohim) Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of My Father who is in heaven.”
So, do my (disobedient) tears count?
Still mortal, still haunted, still woefully imperfect and issue-laden, I find myself… coping.
In this coping, I try, performance-based me that I am, to… sacrifice.
To “do something.”
Ah, yes… deeds.
And, while that may be noble, productive, and “a good thing” to do, on the surface, The Old Testament schools me ON it…
“But Samuel replied: ‘Does (Elohim) the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying (ELohim) the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.'”
1 Samuel 15:22
Wind officially out of my second-third-fourth-double-minded- sails.
"For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of (Elohim) the Lord, He has rejected you from being king."
1 Samuel 15:23
Insult to my sailing injury. And teeing up perfectly, for my old standby: fear of Him.
But the “wrong” kind of fear?
His Wrath?
“Because of these, the wrath of God is coming on those who are disobedient.”
Colossians 3:6
Terror. Violence. Punishment.
These were the experiences that embedded themselves into me, from childhood on. “The worst-case scenario.”
Danger.
"And we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete."
2 Corinthians 10:6
I still have the trauma response to feeling endangered.
Only now, it’s more internalized. It is not the obvious raging, punishing, scary parent towering over the helpless child version of me.
It is the internal harsh taskmaster, believing that the sky will always be falling.
As a card-carrying member of adulthood and “real life” for some time now, I have been presented with enough evidence to see just how awful things can go.
“Under Pressure” lyrics, from Queen and David Bowie…
“That’s the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watch some good friends, screaming, ‘Let me out’…”
Nothing new under the sun about this revelation here. Faith and non-faith people, alike, know this life and world are harsh.
So, do my (disobedient) tears count?
Because, as partial… explanation, I have erected such high stakes for the worst to happen, destruction, wrath, and everything getting ruined, I am not above flailing around in desperation.
And desperation, unfortunately, can be a hop, skip, and jump to disobedience.
“And to whom did (YAH) God swear that they would never enter His rest if not to those who disobeyed? So we see that they were not able to enter, because of their unbelief.”
Hebrews 3:18-19
However, because I am both human, and desperately flailing, now, even if I appear to be “civilized,” I’m unclear and unsteady about my current standing.
I am not at ease.
Consolation Prize?
I’m upset. I’m anxious. I’m riddled with fear, doubt, heartbreak, and confusion.
I need to be consoled substantially, Yes, I need consolation.
This would probably be a great entry point for Mercy, right?
“Your Mercies…”
“Through (Elohim’s) the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:22-23
There is no minimization here. Of the hot mess that I am. Of His Mercies,
Both… in full effect.
It’s the reality check, even yes, with disobedience.
Again…
“All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, everyone, to his own way; And (Elohim) the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.”
Isaiah 53:6
