Desperate Disorders Call For Desperate Actions? (Thin Enough)

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”

Romans 7:15

 

College can often rupture disordered eating, food, and body image issues that have been lying more dormant for years.

Anorexia was the undeniable and explosive expression of family dysfunction, abuse, and toxic secrecy.

And when I was at the height of my Anorexic state, tipping over into My Bulimic behaviors, I was desperate.

I did things that I didn’t believe I’d ever do.

Desperate.

I was desperate.

With the prospect of young people going off to college, what desperation is already present, just not discussed?

(Thin Enough Book Excerpt):

Question: Are you angry with anyone, especially when they mention your eating habits and weight?

 

By the end of the summer, Mom’s pressure to eat was increasing. She made more hospitalization threats, telling me I was crazy. Anger welled up in me when she’d say things like that. I wanted to lash out at her, to hurt her back by screaming at her, “You’re what is wrong with me! The fact that I have to do this for you to pay attention to me, the fact that I have to work to earn your love and attention—that’s what’s wrong with me!” However, I just kept quiet, strengthening my resolve and waiting until glorious September when I would be free.

College finally came. I felt hope at the thought of freedom on my own terms. Things would be different. Now I could concentrate and be happy. I moved into an apartment with three roommates. Miraculously, I was able to be a functioning student, keep good grades and regularly attend my classes. I kept up the “okay” facade.

However, I couldn’t stop the changes going on in my body.  It started out with a shift in my thinking. I found myself more obsessed and tortured by food. Suddenly I wanted food right now! And after all, I was eighty pounds. I could afford a little something to eat, right?

I was nervous. This went against everything I’d been working for. Do something on my forbidden list? Put weight on instead of taking it off? I would move closer to the fat, unacceptable me that I was trying so hard not to be. But my hunger went beyond a growling stomach. True starvation will make you entertain thoughts you wouldn’t dare think otherwise.

 

Question: Is food constantly on your mind?

 

Nothing else mattered anymore. Everything else was fuzzy around me: right and wrong, other people, God, consequences. Just food mattered. But things were different now. Innocence toward food was gone. I couldn’t simply “just eat” again. You can’t go back once you’ve been down my road. It’s never again quite as simple as “eat.”

I suddenly became aware of all the food around me: food that I had sworn off, food I’d forbidden. When my alone in our apartment, I was tortured by my roommates’ food. I was hungry. And I was tempted.

“Come on, just this once, and then you’ll get back on track.”

“Come on, your roommates will never miss this food. They’ll never know it’s gone. Besides, it’s just this once, and then you’ll get back on track.”

I’d always believed that stealing was wrong, one of the commandments, right? But I was so hungry, right and wrong didn’t matter.

           

Question: Do you want to eat but feel you don’t deserve food?

 

When I began eating (stealing) my roommates’ food, I felt warring emotions. Feasting on boxes of rice and crackers, granola bars, fistfuls of cereals, and ice cream bars felt wonderful. But I began to panic. Where would all of this show up on me? My straight hips? My twenty-inch waist? My hollow cheekbones? I wanted to protect the product of my hard work. Still, I couldn’t stop eating. Every time, I repeated my new vow, “I’ll do this just one time.” One time became always.

 

Question: Do you binge on food whenever you experience negative feelings?

 

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice: but what I hate, that I do.”

—The Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15

 

After each feast, I felt exhaustion, guilt, shame, and pain. My body wasn’t able to deal with this violent attack of food. I was literally stuffed with food. My stomach was extremely distended. I looked like a pregnant, malnourished refugee. My stomach was rock-hard and stretched beyond its limits. I was uncomfortable standing, sitting, walking, and breathing. I paced back and forth in my apartment, trying to get comfortable. I hated myself, and felt like the most horrible, disgusting person in the world. Who would want and love me now? What boy? What man? I even started to question—What God?

I moved into a new eating disorder. Every day, I’d start out weighing 80-something pounds. I would be tempted, gorge, panic, binge and weigh myself. Each time, I would shoot back up to ninety pounds again. My urgent prayer became “Oh God, no, help me. You know I can’t weigh this.”…