“For bodily exercise is of a little profit, but holiness is profitable for everything,
holding the promise of the present life and of the one coming.”
1 Timothy 4:8
(Book Excerpt From Thin Enough)…
It was twelve o’ clock midnight, and the alarm blared.
“Get up! You must do this!” yelled a voice from somewhere deep within me. Slowly rising from my bed, I avoided the light-headed dizziness and concentrated on every movement.
Already exhausted, I began this day as I did most others, with a collapsing spell. Thud! “How many calories are burned in a drop thud anyway?” I thought to myself as I accepted the collapse as a part of my routine. It was merely the price I had to pay to be nineteen years old, 5’4” and 80 pounds. That kind of thinness wouldn’t happen unless I made it happen!
I obeyed my inner drill sergeant and stumbled in the dark to my exercise equipment. In the beginning, I had enjoyed the sense of accomplishment, the toned body, and the natural endorphin-high that exercise brought me. Somehow that had morphed into the morning installment of my daily punishment.
Driven by fear, I believed my critical inner voice when it told me things such as:
“No one will ever want you unless you’re thin, beautiful, and perfect, you know!”
“You’re not good enough! Who do you think you’re kidding by doing this? But you’d better not stop!”
“You have to finish this. You won’t be able to live with yourself if you don’t.”
The next six punishing hours were a thud fest. I tried to find the emotional strength to deal with my inner commandant’s orders and enough physical strength to keep from fainting again. Collapsing was inevitable, though. I saw it as the price I needed to pay to have perfection and worth.
Each morning, I dreaded and feared the fainting. I knew it would happen. Would I be out for three seconds, thirty seconds, or thirty minutes this morning? I tried to control where I fainted. When I couldn’t, I’d collapse on the equipment, hitting my head on a barbell or bike pedal. Would my mother discover me lying on the floor? I didn’t want to face her “I’m surprised you’re still alive” comments. I prayed not to get caught.
I was fortunate this morning. I was only out for a few seconds. “Okay, now,” I’d coach myself, “come up slowly from the floor.” I tried to make no sudden movements as I’d crawl from the family room into the kitchen…
… I felt myself falling to the floor as my vision turned black. Fainting was a welcome escape. Unconscious, I didn’t have to think about how fat I was, how much I wanted food, how much God hated me, or how much I wanted it all to end. Each time I woke up, I wanted to just lie there on the floor instead. Life was too difficult and too painful…
… Diary Entry…
Got up, sit-ups, weights… worked on the trampoline for 2 hours, 50 minutes—great—did extra sit-ups… I want to lose more weight, though. Before history class, I saw Stacy, and she said I looked different—thinner. Yeah!’”…
